Thoughts inside a Head of Power.

An annoyance.

2009-06-20T14:04:00.000-07:00

Slavic family names are gender-based, hot-dammit!

That means, that a woman's name wouldn't be Smirnov, it will be Smirnova.

The dusk of culture.

2009-03-15T09:05:00.000-07:00

The population around me, luckily, manages to bypass many of the more obnoxious international cultural fads. However sometimes, the weakest link breaks and everyone on the chain falls into the abyss of stupid.
A recent event was the reason to awake from my slumber. Twilight namely. And I'm not speaking the rays of sunshine touching my face, I am speaking of obnoxiousness. Emo/Goth vampirism and (junior-high/high-school)-aimed-trivial-pseudo-romantic prose have merged, to form and unbreakable singularity of stupid. The result is a demonstration of evolution. Survival of the fittest. Which basically translates to the fact, that fit is stupid.

I am so prolific.

2008-12-22T15:50:00.001-08:00

I mean, I am looking through the archives of my 25 carat genius and if I didn't have my high standards, I would've been amazed.
I mean, I make such fine points, such acute witticisms, such challenging conundrums and such fine hilarity!!! Occasional lapses in sense making, are because this is all ad-lib. Spelling and grammar mistakes are here, because I don't rewrite what I've written. I might edit it later, if I can make it funnier.

Drop me a comment.

A little outburst...

2008-11-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

Doesn't all this "real" stuff irk you? I'm talking about showing people you are a real person, when trying to impress someone at an interview, or write an essay, etc. I haven't had to do this yet, but I somehow don't feel disadvantaged. I am confident in my reality. Someone pinched my nipple yesterday and it hurt pretty damn much. Maybe some people aren't as fortunate however, and they aren't real (notable examples - John McClane, John Rambo, John Smith et al.). I mean can you imagine it?
"I am very confident in my success, but as you may have noticed I am at a slight disadvantage - I am reality/existance challenged."

Or...
"If I only were real."

Hell, I haven't met anyone who isn't real. I think that would make someone shine. It is such a unique feature. He can then proceed to strech toffee about how he can watch reality from an unreal perspective.

Anyway, keep it real and comment.

Guitars and Rock...

2008-10-16T13:14:00.000-07:00

Is it just me or has there been an explosion in guitar related games?
I know of this Guitar Hero one, and countless others, which would've been fine, if they hadn't all came up in two year time span.
I mean seriously, instead of spending all that money on a toy guitar and CD, you can buy a real one and go crazy with it. At least sequels and expansion packs for it won't come out every couple of hours for you to buy. I suppose this is some way to allow people to fantasize that they are rock stars, without doing any real work. I mean seriously those games are right there with all those countless stupid sport simulators that come out several times a day with even more realistic moles on the athlete's faces (I bet in a couple of years we will actually get hair on them[on the moles that is], realistically moving according to wind direction). I mean why stay in front of the TV/computer and ruin your small joints and eyes, when you can go outside in the clean and ruin your ankles and knees? Right? Well why stand in front of the computer/TV wasting your life pretending to be a rock star, instead of wasting your life trying to be one?
I mean seriously, if this was simply stupid, and I was in the mood, I would gladly make a list of games that would probably be picked up. Imagine this: A highly addictive school simulator! In fact so addictive, that you'd ditch school to play it! Imagine the humor generated by that! (Note this is not irony, as it is not humor generated by a discrepancy between judgment and reality.)

Things that suck vol. 3

2008-10-09T13:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've last posted anything.
So today, my target will be Napoleonlettes. Anyone, who has went on a meeting, has probably came across one of those creatures. They are the stupid morons, who would go "human rights protest" on somebody's posterior, in order to increase their mass appeal, by presenting themselves as caring and concerned, over something absolutely trivial. To them anything other than agreement is basically frontal assault. This includes any comment made by me, and I am notorious for slithering in a most serpentine fashion, in order to acheive rhetoric victory.
These people are terrible spin doctors and debateaurs, yet they think they rival history's prime examples of public speakers. They confuse words like 'fact' and 'factor'. And claim to start from a far when they BS, when trying to keep the clock ticking, so no one would get to say anything meaningful. It is especially frustrating, when one of these myrmidons of vacuity picks up a possey of sychophantic lackeys with minimal self-esteem.

Praise me, and correct my usage of the word sychopanty.

Never Back Down. A truly independent review.

2008-09-13T01:35:00.000-07:00

Now I haven't even seen this, and I can tell you it isn't worth it. It is that bad. It is the Karate Kid of MMA. Apart from the cliched themes of guts and determination, characteristic of any sports movie/martial arts movie, there's nothing wrong with it. Too bad that's all there is to it. Hopefully it's going to raise awareness to the sport alteast, so it might have some redeeming value. What I hate about combat sports films, is that they somehow, manage to take all the stupid from sports films (read: everything), and even though they are combat sports films, they don't get even a hint of awesome, from martial arts movies. I mean, seriously, if you want to see real drama, watch sports. If you have any shred of respect for the sport, you could never tolerate, the stupid disregard for real-life rules in those movies. They never bother, to even try, to introduce some plot device, to redeem the inanity of it all. It's not like, someone wouldn't notice a sasquatch playing basketball.
So before you come whining, that I haven't seen the movie, I have already told you. This is a truly independent and ubiased review of the film. Had I seen it, it would've clouded my judgement. So it got out of it pretty easy, huh?

Never Gonna Give You Up...

2008-09-09T02:50:00.000-07:00

Seriously people, what's with this rickrolling stuff? I mean it's not like I'm not trying to find anything funny... Well it is, actually, as I believe funny things shouldn't be sought. I mean seriously, what is it with that song? I like it actually. Is it the mismatch between external appearance and voice? Is it the dance? I mean how is this dance any worse than any other? No, please, someone explain to me, how can you laugh at this?

Addendum

2008-08-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

An addendum to my last update. A concerned, raging fan was nice to point out, that I forgot the lama, which deserves an honorary mention (the lama, that is, and the fan [sort of]).
So be it a popular logo, or a subject of a high-pitched nonsensical song, this weird, spitting life-form, is here to educate as much as entertain. Or wait, that would make it not here. (To explain to the plainer audience: It means, that since lamas don't go around educating people, they don't go around to entertain them either. Neat comparison, another funny thing.)

The most geeko-nerdifico-random-humorly-pop-culturized animals.

2008-08-29T12:53:00.001-07:00

Well, anyone on the Intermesh probably has encountered the "phenomenon" of random "humor". Well random it is, alas, convoulted jibberish is not humor, and isn't really difficult to come up with, it's pure luck. Saying someone is a witty based on his random "humor", is like saying someons a genius mathematician, because he is good at cointoss. Often this thing, masquerading as humor, includes random references to animals. I shall now inform you, the savvy blog-browser, which animals are the unsung victims of this random humor thing.

Just entering the list is:

The goat. Refered to by everything from shocksites to skinny 12-18 year olds, as an ersatz for originality. Perhaps it's the beard that makes it hilarious? Perhaps it's the sound? Well, if you actually asked yourself this question, you are obviously in for a shock. Nothing makes it funny. Goats aren't funny, and 50000000 iterations wouldn't make them (50000000 is just a euphemism for "any"). The fact that someone tells you something is funny doesn't make it. If any of your friends refers to goats and you find that funny, go into an internet cafe, (finding "random" jokes funny, is a pretty good indicator of either a slow internet connection, general "slow", or lack of internet connection) and browse some geeky forums for an hour, in order to familiarize yourself with the resident orignally-random comedian in each one. Read ten minutes worth of jokes, and your goat-joke making friend, will miraculously stop being funny. Miracuosly is used in an ironic sense here- which means there is an obvious discrepancy between my assessment and reality, used to great comedic effect. This is irony. This is funny. This is heavy-hitting comedy. Not goats. Okay? On one side - Me and Irony, on the other - Your friend and goats. I think it's a no-brainer.

And one spot up on our list is (Haven't you already got it, that I don't plan my writing and do it on the go? I just come up with this as I go, I have roughly the same amount of idea as you, about how long this list will be.):

The manatee. Now this is an emerging trend. Used by proven greats (Tray Parker and Matt Stone) to fabulous comedic effect, but unfortunately, also skillessly employed by random-comedians. The goat is maybe one step above this one, but it's still on the same stupid ladder. The reason for that is, that a goat we percieve as an animal we see day to day, whereas manatees we had no idea what they were until we actually googled it after seeing that episode of South Park. It is big, bulky and has a blunt face which makes it a SMASH hit (read that pun several times and remember it, as it probably cost me any award I would have recieved for my literary prowess). I mean goats have a slight "How didn't I think of that first?"-value, while manatees are random humor at its worst. It's a random animal. Unless you use it as a minor-chuckle-generator, or it has a deeply satirical context, it requires less skill than the goat. See another funny thing - deeply satirical context. In other words something hidden and arcane to the random "humor" lover. I would really like to bet, that the role of this animal in random humor will be inherited by the aardvark. Or whatever you spell it. I mean just listen to it: "aardvark". The first time I heard it I thought it was a Linux app, or some obscure Windows process or DLL. The second time I thought it was some heraldic monster. The third time I looked up Wikipedia. Plus it looks kind of entertaining.

If we have X number of entries on our list, then here comes number "X-2":

The Cat. OK, assuming you are reading this around the time I have written it, and not years later in some huge collection of my early works, you just know what I am talking about. I mean you are on the Internet.

For X>3, X-3 on our list is (assuuming No. of entries is X-1):

The Cow. Moo. We get it, cows make a funny noise. And they are slow. There it is popular in video games, and slapstick alike. Cows obviously come in a male and female version. Obviously bulls are a different species. I mean seriously, bulls aren't funny, since they will probably impale you. How could the cow and the bull be actually a same species? Well, pretty easy. This is where sanity and sense, are both overwhelmed by randomness. Obviously someone hasn't been on a farm. Or ever opened an elementary school textbook. Or tries to be funny. (NOTE: In the beginning cows were actually funny. But they are scary. I mean half a metric tonne of bovine, running amok? Why is everyone finding them tamely funny, when they should be scared and worried, dammit?)

Well this is the last of it. Comments? No, thanks. Praise is welcome though.

A new segment.

2008-07-29T02:33:00.000-07:00

So, here is another new tradition in my incredibly disjointed, and unsystematic system of updates, syndication and content deliverance (Laugh.). I will now begin to make comparisons, betweem two things that have nothing in common. Courtesy of my last biology teacher, who made us write a detailed comparison of catfish and primeapes.

So, ladies and gentlemen, behold the brand new, "The Imperceptible Connection" (Is imperceptible even a word? That was quie a chalant remark. [And is chalant a word?]).

On today's edition: The Pentium 3 is the T-72, provided we percieve Intel's Pentium series as the timeline of Soviet tanks. It used to be a cutting edge, comptetition frightening piece of technology, now going into a noble-ish obsolecense, still maintaining some dignity, making it a non-laughable alternative for something newer.

The Shining White Knight of Debate.

2008-07-27T10:31:00.000-07:00

I love winning debates, primarily because I've unsuccesfully tried to lose them a couple of times. Losing a debate might be fun, so can any loser, please, share what is the feeling?

So as in everything, I love to make people defeat their own point. I will give a tip on that in this very lesson, so pay attention. But first let's begin with the most important lesson of all:

1. Pick your battles according to your skill. In other words small enough to win in a landslide, yet not so small, to be branded a nickname for someone, who compensates something's small size, by picking battles small enough to gloat over. Figure one out, you have many a nickname like that, to pick from.

Winning a debate, is in no means an indicator, if you are right or wrong. Which brings us to top number two:

2. Spin. As far as spin doctors go, I am probably The Powerhead S.D. (attending), maybe I have an Esq. too, as well as a Ph. D. The trick about spin, is to be prepared, and to think in advance. It helps to be optimistic, to make spin sincere, so you can find a positive side in everything.

And the last one for today, as promised:

3. How to make people charge into their own defeat. My favorite situation is a piece of common knowledge, frequently one which is scientifically unverifiable (i.e. XXXX are the dumbest people. The problem? Define dumb and give a way to measure it statistically.), and claim, "everyone knows that". These words are a smart man's golden ticket. You now have the opportunity to steer them into saying that even complete layman in that field can tell you that. So that's the moment to nail them. "So you are saying complete laymen lead man's progress in their respective fields of laymanity (I think, I just figured out the etimology of "lameness")?". This is usually the signal for victory, the proverbial rhetorical white flag. The reductio ad retardum, when you are called a retard, and "beyond help".

And that's it for today, from the Savant of Debate!

Back up or go home.

2008-06-06T12:51:00.000-07:00

Beware peoples! I will now speak-singe chutzpah-filled meshugas. You know, they are usually, those who are pretty sharp tongued, and try to market themselves as witty. Now, they usually have had quite a shielded upbringing, and spent they're elementary school and kindergarden years, by pulling pigtails, picking on someone unabled to respond, pushing fat kids in the mud, and all the other moron activities.
Now, being quite shielded, they never actually had to stand behind what they say and/or suffer the consequences of doing/not doing it. They and their stupid entourages, usually miss the point even if it was a barn door, and they had a bazooka. And, me, being the quality rhetorical marksman I am, will pinpoint the point. And behold - being funny and obscene is not the hardest thing. Especially in a lanuage, where swearing has retained some shock-value. I, for example, deliver my humor of highest quality, with little to no explicit verbal expression. I, by far don't shy away from it, I am simply a head of power, and I damn well need a challenge.

Sing me praises!

Things that suck. Vol. 2

2008-06-03T01:08:00.000-07:00

Part two will deal with retarded literary devices used in jokes.

1. Newsflash!!! People lie! To your face, even. An overused plot device, for the lack of a better word, is the "Based on true story"-crap, or "An actual recording from ... "-crap. This is usually used, when jokes have little to no humoristical value, and the punchline is way to unimpressive, for the (sur)realaties in Punchlinelandia.

2. Foreplay/Filler. This is what you get, when you have a popular stupid show, which stretches out a 90 second joke, into a 4+ minute sketch, so that it could end on time, and have some filler, because even though it's popular, no one wants to drop so low, to buy ads anywhere near it's time slot. Then retardated peoples get the impression, that all the foreplay that went into that joke, contributes, to it being funny. No it isn't. It just exhausts people. You think: "Wow, this is going to be big, I mean if his/her filler is so funny, imagine what the punchline will be?". I imagine it, and it is usually anticlimactic, which is an euphemism for stupid.

3. Writing jokes as if telling them. Now, telling a joke is different than writing it. Especially if it is written for academical purposes, which in Everymanspeak means, it's in a joke book for you to read, learn and tell, more often than not, poorly. This is basically a vartiation on the above. Difference is, that books should be even more concise, which means, that you should basically tell the joke, with nothing more, than whats necessary. In other words theses are the things you try and fail to act, when telling the joke.

Things that suck. Vol. 1

2008-05-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

Eurotrash.

I would apologize, if I wasn't right, but I am. By Eurotrash I mean, the "Mediteranean" crap people buy into these days. "Clubbing" is stupid, and even though I consider myself a sophisticated person, I find "pubbing" a lot more reasonable.
Next thing is the stupid way they dress. Now, I don't really give a damn about the look, it's the sheepishness required to spend >10$ on a spiderweb-thin T-shirt. It is wrong. Electronics and marketing has taught us, that things get smaller to be more efficient and cheaper. Design doesn't cost that much. I mean, I have a jacket made out of cotton, which cost roughly 15$. It is not rare to see a thin cotton T-shirt with a mock-stamp saying De Puta Madre or something, whose price would give a result of 1 divided by the price of my jacket. Both were probably sewn in some sweatshop, so that we can assume they are free to make, and the price is just materials plus markup. My jacket weighs around 750 g, which is 1.5 lbs. Now I will make my most bloated educated guess, and even then, I can't give the average weight for my size of the aforementioned T-shirt at more than 150 g, or roughly a third of an ounce. Using my sophisticated and pragmatic economical approach to the situation, I can estimate, that the T-shirt is apparently made of Titanium/Steel Alloy, or hell, Adamantium, as for this, I expect it to stop bullets, and maybe even talk and be my friend. It costs six times more, so unless it is a conservationist conspiracy, to make low-material clothes trendy, hell even then, it sucks.

Causes.

2008-04-05T08:04:00.000-07:00

People need to change their causes often. I know it's hard. I know, not everyone, can be pushing the boundaries, when it comes to originality and hilarity. But you could atleast try, not to fail in it, or if failing is much more your style, go fullforce and fail failing it, just do something about it. But then again, some people desperately need peer approval, and will spew anykind of unoriginal crap in front of their friends, as long as it's tried and true humor, targeting emos, or certain celebrities and such. Edgy. Just so that they can get a few chucks from their companions, they are keeping entertainment down. Are they so afraid of the awkward silence?

{Imagine a picture of a guy juggling a three unicycles, blindfolded,
on a unicycle, and a speech bubble saying "Hey, check this out!", to a small
crowd of his friends. A speech bubble saying "Nnnnmeh, yeah, whatever",
hoverring above their low-density headdy parts.
I am a painter, and my pallette is but eloquence!}

Anways, I don't accept criticism from such people, due to their inferior comedic talent. They are also usually obese, and expert in terms of sport, because their massive weight, prevents anyone with adequate gross motor skills, sanity and a survival instinct, to be in their immediate proximity, while they have picked up speed (dynamics & kinematics, holmes).

But then again, this might be my mission in life? I am the brave pioneer, the one who discovers new comediac territory, surviving beyond the entertainment Frontier, waiting for those to who will harvest it's potential to follow in my mighty tracks. Am I not?

Please share with your favorite head, the one of power!

I wanna go...

2008-02-16T03:12:00.000-08:00

Gee, I really wanna go on a guided tour in that magical factory, where they make quotes. Don't you too? Have you ever wondered, in the face of whom is wisdom personified? Don't you want to see where they turn ones and zeros into truths? Pure diamonds of philosophy like:
- "wish we could switch up the roles and i could be that [sic]";
- "Become a better man, and be sure to be clear with yourself, before meeting someone with the hope, that he will understand what a person you are." - How do they come up with this? I try my damnest to make my aphorisms so trivial, and long, but never can.

Chances are if you use any "social network", or instant messaging software, which has a bug which allows people to display their moods (or was that a feature?) and have teenage contacts, it is certain you will see quite some of those messages. Especially if there are any emos. In short I may say that if these quotes are brainchildren, they are orphans. I mean they aren't witty, they rarely have a point, and in the rare occasions they do, it's spoon-fed to you because if you take the time and read it, it is assumed, that you too, need to be spoon-fed any conclusions like the person guilty of quoting it, as you can't figure out anything even remotely cryptic.

Now sing me some praises. Drop me a comment and bask in my wisdom.

Power Uncomic. Last Issue.

2008-02-15T10:28:00.000-08:00

One liners alone don't pack much of a punch. As the old boxing saying goes - "bunches of punches". So as rhetoric jabs, crosses, hooks and uppercuts, they work best in combination. Usually to display a one liner, only text is needed, (same for most jokes), thus artistically-challenged illustrations are superfluos.

To appease the technophiles.

2008-01-03T07:28:00.000-08:00

I am assembling a new pic programmer. I also thoroughly oppose the idea, of a "man-machine" oppposition. Computers aren't getting smarter, the operators are getting dumber. When computers get super-smart, they just simply wouldn't give a damn about us. They are programmed to make decisions, not to think and consider themselves superior.

Bitter.

2007-12-29T14:36:00.000-08:00

Tacos rule.
So does tabasco. Finally a food, to suit the mood.
I have absolutely no idea, what to write about, so being such a fine artist and noble person, I'll try my damnest to take someone's good mood with me. I'll just write some filler, and force you to read them, and thus waste precious moments of your life. You will be sitting here, observing the dotted (as of writing) background of this log, and just recieving information, like the sheep.
So I dare you, link to this thing, I desperately need an audiance. The collective time in man hours, wasted to read filler, would deprive the world of so many useful things done, that it will more than improve my mood.
Anyways, since this is getting way to emo, I'll tell you something good. I've decided, that I have potential as a radio host. Unfortunately everyone has potential, so I am now working on being funny, so any suggestions, on making my entertainingness slightly closer to "remotely entertaining" are heartily welcomed. Comment. Spill your heart out.

Things I don't care about...

2007-12-23T11:49:00.000-08:00

And now, introducing The List Of Things, About Which That, What I Give Amounts To Less Than A Damn 2007 Edition ( TLOTAWTWIGATLTAD for short):

1. Social rejection: Now, I've never been really popular for 16 years so far and it hasn't cost me much effort, I am used to it, and I like it. It's not going to cost me any more effort to last 17. Or 18. The majority of people around, me I don't care about what they think.

2. Bad publicity: I fear bad publicity, but more like, fearing being publicized badly. Infact I rarely get any publicity with people, who's opinion I care about.

3. The reputation I have with my peers: I've grown out of caring about that a long long time ago.

4. About the needs of piirs: A piir is an idiot, who is, coincidentally your peer. I am asked for favors regularly. I tend to be of service. I am not spiteful. But HOT DAMMIT, I hate when people think I owe them something. I don't. I structure my life in such a way, that I try to do anything, to not be in debt. Just because I am not spiteful, is not an excuse, to take my services for granted.

5. Cheaters needs: This is a special category. I get significantly pissed off, when I am supposed to get out of my way, so that someone can cheat. I usually blast them off the sky of stupidity, with a good ol' Stinger of Common Sense.

6. This list: There's way too much things I don't care about, so I don't really care if I finish it. Bye.

Permanent Bad Mood

2007-12-16T02:45:00.000-08:00

My leg still hurts a bit, and I can't split, I don't know if I will be able. But, I am back on duty, to bring joy, to your dull lives, with my avuncular demeanor and piercing acumen.

This time, you should learn about several of life's biggest injustices. Anyone, who can stand up to my criteria for cool, must have encountered them.

1. It's not what you say. It's who are you.
We've all had such moments. You know, they're dictated, by some juvenile pecking order or something. Now, me being a socially awkward person, I appearantly lack some sort of sense, with which to percieve cool, or if I have it it's malfunctioning. No wait! Mine's the only one that functions correctly. I mean, people's "cool dood", is my "stupid moron". People are ususally weak. They buckle under peer pressure quite easily, and they accept criticism from their oppostition. I don't. My opposition's criticism is never sincere. I stand up and I don't conform.
Just like the nonconformist little bird in the story. You can be someone almost as entertaining as me, yet morons won't consider you humorous, because you're not inclined to get drunk and consider two week old songs to be old, and month old songs that occasionally get airplay/are heard at a disco/hell to be evergreens. Anyway enough with this. Such people don't deserve it.

2. You - Honor - Dignity = Getting away with something
Anyone who has gone to school, and hasn't been patheticing there, would know that if you whine, beg, cry and pull excuses out of your lower digestive tract, would help you out of any situation. It is disgusting. I have never begged or lied to anyone superior (parent, teacher, instructor, etc.) in my life. The problem is that me not being a whining moron, and taking everything head on, like a man should, leads to such people thinking, that I can be their vent, that I should take their punishment. The excuse-toting morons, also have the boldness to believe, that you are somehow obliged, to get them out of trouble. I tell them, that they aren't neither my mother, nor my sister, nor my lover, so what I am obliged to do amounts to absolutely nothing. I enjoy seeing them fail. This brings me to the next one:

3. The better you are, the worst is the person having your back.
Everytime, I stood up for someone, he chickens out and his backbone limps. This is like some ancient rethorical/social Hojojustsu. You get momentum, and suddenly you have your hands tied and are on the ground. Everytime I was trying to help out my class, everyone is really eager, untill crunch time arrives. I believe this is due to the incorrect notion, that I am aggressive. I am not. I care to little to be aggressive. But when I can't count on people, I want to make sure that they must not try to count on me.

I tried but I couldn't make this one funny. I was too bitter. Still it is an exquisite read. Drop a comment and say it was "funny, cos it's true lol"!

Rhetorical Ripostes.

2007-11-20T11:23:00.000-08:00

Now, being with a torn muscle fibre in my thigh, from splitting, I will take the liberty, to coach you some fencing with the tongue. So, behold The Powerhead's Tract on Fencing with the Tongue.

1. To remove an unpleasent companion:

Thou: "Did I tell, how much I enjoy your company?"

Adversarius: "No..."

Thou: "Makes you think, doesn't it?" or

"Well, food for thought..." or

"Think, why so...".

Thou can get crazy with the actual touche from the riposte.

Here is another smart way of removing an annoyance:

Thou: "Gotta go."

Adversarius:

Thou: "YOU gotta go..."

This one is trickier to get, but is almost guaranteed:

Adversarius: "bla bla bla FRIEND/BUDDY bla bla bla"

Thou: "Where the hell, do you see friends of yours?"

2. Neutralizing a hot shot:

Adversarius does something stupid, probably looking for a fight.

Thou: Step back demonstratively, size him up and laugh/ giggle sincerely...

For added effect, you can touch his biceps, check out his knuckles, and tsk before letting out a small chuckle.

Adversarius proceeds by being. Being stupid that is.

Thou: Squint like Balboa, and just tell him, "Look, just go, kiss your mother, tell her you love her, amd get on with your life, I'm not in the mood for games right now."

Another one:
Thou: Piss yourself laughing sincerely over something, but to be able use this trick, you must be able to eat a lot of beating.

3. Riposte a comment from a moron:

Adversarius: Comments on something like haircut, moustache etc. that you can change in a minute, but he is stupid.
Thou: "Let's do a little race! For the time I shave/get a haircut/change clothes, you will stay here and read fine litrature, when I'm finished we'll see who'll improve more." You can even manage to riposte a comment on a more permanent feature:
"Yeah, I can gain muscle, but you can't lose stupid." for example.

Conclusion: Like any martial art, don't focus on the tecnhiques of insulting, focus on the principles.

Short on talent?

2007-10-28T06:14:00.000-07:00

I've got the solution for you:

Running gags. They're easy to use, easy to come up with, and even easier to overuse. Being a complete titan in the field of literary crtique, I will put together a rough guide, on how to entertain your audience, by boring them to death.

Step one: Probing.

It is important to know your enemy/audience (often seem to overlap, judging by what proponents of this technique force their readers to absorb). What do they have in common? What have they emailed/skyped/icqed you about, and said it might not actually be half bad? If there is even a slight positive reaction to a line in an article of yours, the potential for an artisitically challenged running gag is officially skyrocketing.

Step two: Defining the gag.

When you have gathered enough chuckles from your audience, you should learn exactly which phrase gave the time they wasted some redeeming value. Now be sure to use bold text, or something so you can make it stand out, and write so your entire work is just foreplay to that phrase. It is what the screaming crowd wants. That or you shutting up.

Step three: (Ab)Using the gag.

Now instead of writing a decent plot thesis, write things in such a way, that you get opportunities to use that gag. Your work should be concentrated on the ability to use the gag in every converstation imaginable. You shouldn't be stopped by obscure notions of abstract concepts like talent and originality.

That's about it my dear audience. If you ever happen to be low on talent, you know where to look. Now sing me praises!!!

Top ten most cliched top ten lists.

2007-10-20T14:01:00.000-07:00

Just about every comedy website and it's brother have a bunch of these sub-satisfactory excuses for enterteainment, I thought it is time to make my one. So here it is.

10. Top ten signs of video game/internet/mmorpg/whatever addiction.
This is just insulting. I won't comment.

9. Top ten reasons you might be a redneck/engineer/whatever occupation.
Yeah, you're freaking hilarious. If once is funny, five hundred times would be total facial demolition. Or would land you on number nine, of our top ten, most cliched top ten lists.

8. Top ten things to say/not to say to someone.
If I want to hear innuendo filled, or generaly ambiguos phrases, told at the wrong time, to the wrong person, I'd just look at some sitcom. That will remove any speculation whatsoever. These usually consist of the protagonist, making himself look like a moron.

7. Top ten pick up lines.
This one isn't so bad. Generally the people who find them fun, are highly unlikely to procreate anyway.

6. Top ten things to do at work/supermarket/mall/school/etc...
Mortifiyingly stupid, I am unable to comment. Compared to this, the inane drivel I come up with on the bus after school, is like, "fine literature" meeting "hilarious sitcom".

5. Top ten movies/games/books you wouldn't see.
There are a few well-known exceptions to this one, but they are done by people, who actually posessed skill, talent and clue. And as a tip to the rest: offense alone, does not equal entertainment.

4. Top ten fictional TV shows.
This one is actually hilarious. It just took the wrong turn. No, trust me, it did. How do they manage to encode hilarity in ones and zeros is beyond me.

3. Top ten reasons beer is better than...
Nothing beats playing on an insecure teenagers thinnest string, now does it? Usually, the colosae of taste, wit and sharpness who chain mail such, are quite a shallow lot, and have problems with peer pressure. Namely they're crushed by it. Often not bad kids, but desperately trying to be self-deprecating. That isn't funny when you are simply telling the truth though.

2. Top ten reasons a computer is betten than a ...
Quite similar to the rest, infact simply a variation on a theme, and thus brings unoriginality a step higher. Keep up the good work!

1. Top ten reasons a ....... is better than a man/woman.
I believe this is slightly older than the world, and has been done with more objects than those in existance. Even if there are a couple of them funny, the rest have rightfully earned, the honor of being the most cliched top ten list.

Ain't I a titan of comedy and satire? Drop me a comment and show your affection for my writing.

You don't need news...

2007-10-14T09:33:00.000-07:00

...when you can nerd a straight A.

Now everyone, who has gone to school, has inevitably seen one of those kids. Before you assume, I will errupt in a torrent of slander against these people, I want you to know, that I don't dislike them. It's just that they piss me off.

A very good friend of mine, put it really clearly: in order to have a straight A in school, you don't have to be smart, you just have to pick up speed quickly, and not to get tired easily.

In other words such people are tools. Grinders to be more precise. Now, I don't have anything against grinders or anything, but think about it. They just study, eat, sleep, drink, do things which are fun according to what people say, and they secrete endorfins while doing that, because what they're doing is meant to be fun, and nerd their lessons (nerd can be a verb). They are most definately tools. No wait, they are bots.

People are wrongly calling them nerds. Nerds have skill, and hotdammit, those people lack it. They are complete simpletons. Whenever you know something they try to make it look bad.
Take what happened to me the other day for example:
/Geography class, teach is repeating the name of a city about 30 times, to no avail, because Ms. Clueless can't write it down/
Me: " Well, hotdammit, it's , it's in the news all day!"
Ms. Clueless: " Does it occur to you, that some people, might not watch news?"

Now I wouldn't have felt my heart beting in my ears, if me and Madmoiselle Clueless weren't the same age (sixteen).
I mean your turning eighteen in less than two years, and don't watch the news? Now if this was, some disco-visiting, dancing-with-an-open-half-empty-beer-bottle moron, I wouldn't be nowhere near this surprised.
But, just to show I am a great guy, I will give them the befit of doubt, and assume, that being proficient in memorizing high-school textbooks, containig 20 year old information, develops a clairvoyantesque ability, to predict noteworthy global events. I might try that out, and earn billions. Oh, wait... The odds don't seem to be in favor of that? But what does logic have on sheer capability of memorisation of facts? Nothing that's what!!!

HOT DAMN!

Right split down.

2007-10-08T07:30:00.000-07:00

Well, since this blog is read by nobody, and nobody cares I got the right split down, I decided to post. So after just a couple of days of stretching and no progres BAM, I find myslef, like 10 inches lower, without expecting it. Granted, it did involve a lot of screaming and wailing, but I got that thing down finally. The only problem I seem to have is my left leg, since it is actually what prevents me from splitting. I own.

"Friends forever" clips are an insult to amateur cinematography worldwide.

2007-10-04T06:14:00.000-07:00

Browsing trough some video-sharing website, I found it littered with such atrocities. Being quite a movie-lover, and genenral person of great taste, I once again take the liberty to be quality control, so you don't have to.
These aren't as much videos, as much as simple slideshows, with some faceless pop-disco-dance-remix-hit/chalga playing in the background. They even aren't as much slideshows, as they are self-styled parades of inanity, and lack of skill in terms of art.
To my horror, the people who post this stuff, rarely seem to satisfy themselves with one or two videos. They clog perfectly good websites, with their unknown mugs. NEWSFLASH! Being on a video doesn't mean you are famous. Not anymore. And also owning a camera, or having a friend (forever nonetheless) who has one, does not make you photogenic. No one knows anything about you, we don't want to see you on a video on the internet, along with your friends, posing the way you see in pop-folk and teen magazines. No one cares about it, other than you. Just post it as a private video, and spare the people's (my) eyes, bloodvessels and vocal cords.

Now after my little rant, generally about such videos, I will finally come to the point, and bash the artistic qualities (or lack thereof) meticulously , in a ridiculously-satirical manner.

The titans of literacy that comment your video (most of tham having witty online pseudonyms, which I can come up with, by writing "grrl", "girl", "rnb", "emo", "happy", "sad", etc. on scraps of paper, putting them in a hat, picking up several at random and adding a number at the end, as to separate me from the thousand others, possessing such a quick and sharp wit) might be fiercely raving your video ("we r teh sweetest. :P :P :P :P :D :D :D :* :* :* <3 <3 <3 kekeke", "i wubz u 4ever [insert name here] :) :) :) :) :) :D :D :D :D ;) <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!), and you, as decency requires express your gratitude for the positive feedback ("thx vm [insert witty handle here] i wub u 2 :* :* :* :* :* :*), but I beg to differ in my humble opinion. An my humble opinion is, that your video is infact worthless rubbish. I'm pretty confident my tortoises can make a better one. Miles better. Infact, I'll tell them to start immediately.

Let's assume I am watching the average "friends 4ever"/"4ever frs" video. Such a video starts off at a monochrome screen with white letters in a plain font , containig the names of those "starring". Is the plain sans serif/arial and single-colored background symbolic of your friendship's plainnes, simplicity and sincirity? Or is it a demostration of your lack of talent and video/image editing skills? And lack of taste? We will let this one pass by, the video might redeem itself later. What do we notice? You write NOT SOLELY IN CAPS, BECAUSE EVEN YOU ALREADY KNOW IT'S ANNOYING and not solely in small caps and no commas. BuT bY aLtErNaTiNg UpPeR aNd LoWeR CaSe, 4nD 0cC41sOn4Lly 50Me 1337. I am tempted to assume this is a symbol of the ups and downs in your relationship, and how you overcome them. I, however resist the temptation, and will prosaicly assume that it is another manifestation of the absence of your talent, and you are desperately searcing for a way to make your captions a little bit more eye-catching. We hear the latest dance/pop hit, you heard in the local ersatz-disco in the background. I don't think there is any symbolism involved here, it is just style, similarly how noir features dark, depressing tones, so does your shallow devoid of quality excuse of a video requires shallow, faceless music to fit. So far so good, BUT there is a little doubt lingering that you might actually have a shred of clue and talent. But it is not to be, with the swiftness of a wild steed galloping across the plane, you savagely crush any lingering doubt. How do you do that? Easy. Google random images, and add them in between your pictures. Usually it's something you found while looking for "frends" [sic], "luv", "fourevar"or "eternal", with no aesthetic idea behind it.

Face it. Not everyone is built to do a side split, not everyone has talent. We can't all be directors.
Well, we can, if we disregard, the whole requirement for a shred of talent and the entire concept of division of labor. But cheer up, you can help! By removing any such videos you made, and instead go and appreciate those who actually possess skill and talent.

Disagree? Drop me a comment!

Random unhumor...

2007-10-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

I tend to be a person of astounding sense of humor. Infact so astounding, that I will take the liberty, from now on to define what is entertaining, and what is pretentious garbage. First on the list is "random" humor. It is becoming quite prevalent, due to some upsurge in talantless de-entertainers. The basic concept is as follows:

1. Take some menial, usually monotonous task, like peeling potatoes, or some trivial phenomenon.
2. Write a piece about it, in a scientific/highly formal tone. It is imperative, that you give elaborate explanations to it.
3. Add some stupid.
4. Leave to ferment/rot.
5. Carefully sift trough it, using your tastless adolescent friends (like me, excluding the tastless part, and if you are not a reader of my blog, as of writing this article, excluding the friend part). Remove anything remotely entertaining and original, because Heaven forbid, it might not be random.
6. Proceed to scrape the filtered inane mass of un-entertainment from the bottom, and serve.

Now the problem I have with this, is that there is no skill required in it. And that every talantless high-school kid, lives in some ilusory world, where he is a comedian.

Now, I don't bother to make a point here, because usually with this crowd, of exquisite humorists, making sense and point is irrelevant. So now I am forced to spoon-feed the conclusion to them, which they undoubtedly would try to spit out, as it's made of nothing but pure bitter truth. People (me), don't consider you remotely original. But then again why bother being original, than going with the certain value (namely #808080), and be considered amusing, by a sheepish crowd fearing social rejection/longing social admitance/buckling under peer pressure?

Annoying teenagers. Part one.

2007-09-29T11:35:00.001-07:00

Puberty does a lot of things to people. Including making them paradoxes, just like me. Now, it's not that I'm a social person, but I am most definately an annoying one, I manage to pester lots of people, and thus I manage to get an idea, of the basic types of high-school/junior high-school kid. These are they're portraits, which are by the way hugely ugly:

The rural aristocrat: This is the kind that's probably an avatar of bigotry and arrogance. Believes getting drunk is some special skill. Often quite proud of having simple skills which everyone will aquire in due time. This is the type, that may not have anything to eat, but WILL have the luxurious cellphone with camera, to take pictures of their miserable situation, and the free hours, to spend talking to their smooth-brained companions.

The wild, free, untamed, unruly and natural type: This is personal favorite of mine. They're like some humanitarian organization giving food and medicine, only instead of food and medicine it's studpid and egocentrism, and instead of a humanitarian organisation, they are just morons. NEWSFLASH! You aren't different, just stupid and unoriginal. By trying to be different so hard, you end up looking all the same. Trying to look deep and different, and peculiar, WON'T make people (me), think better of you. One man's trash might be another's treasure, but your "unruly individo-centralism" is my "stupid".

The hip/fashiony dude/dude-chick/chick-dude: This one is pretty much an amalgamation of the previous two types. Usually goes to a pumping-irony a couple of times, a hairdo that looks roughly like being licked by a cow (but so that it'll all be pointy and prickly, not oily and greasy), and nothing under it. Because they are usually inherently lazy, they just put on a (pink) shirt one or two sizes too small, so they'll look big bulky and scary. Dislikes the rural aristocrat on the basis, of having rural features, disliked by the rural aristocrat for not "keeping it real", by getting drunk inches from death, dancing with an open beer bottle in hand, but not directly exhibiting and boasting lowbrow taste. Even though the hip/fashion dude/dude-chick/chick-dude does posses lowbrow taste, as well as general stupidity, it does not listen to chalga music, and feigns intelligence, thus his similarity with the unruly crowd.

* Due to the fact that some of them are quite androginous, because of the added make-up, I was forced to deeply contemplate their gender.

Strike-a-pose-headbanger: Now this one really gets me. Being a metal fan, it pisses me off quite good. These are quite often rural diplomats, or other idiots, that like the look of leather and steel. And because as we know, the way you dress determines, what kind of music society will allow you to listen, they need to get aquainted with (and taint) metal, so it will be socially acceptable for them to wear steel and leather. They go out, look for a T-shirt of some band, with a cool picture on it, buy it, learn a couple of things about the band, hell, some even go all the way to buy a couple of songs of iTunes. Because they usually don't like metal at all (or just listen to people grunting and screaming at microphones, thus giving metal a bad name), so in a pint time they usually quench their chalga-thirst. But that is unacceptable! Why not come up with a lame excuse, that chalga is only for partying, and you can only party with chalga, or that it is satirical?
The fact that they assume, everyone listening to metal, is infact a moron like them, doesn't really write better about them in my book.

There's just too many of them to list in one go. There will be further awesomness, in the form of a sequel. Be patient, my tiny audience.

Vox populi, vox dei...

2007-09-26T03:11:00.000-07:00

Due to popular demand (well I have two regular readers, so I assume, that three people asking me to do so, is rather popular), I've decided, to post my articles in Bulgarian apart from English. I am starting to translate, my inane, quality-deprived verbal cesspool today. Look for the translations in the comments.
* * *
Заради обществен натиск (при двама редовни читатели, три предложения са си едно целокупно общество) реших да дабъл-поствам, на английски и български. От днес превеждам, малоумната си, лишена от качество, словесна помийна яма. Преводите търсете в коментарите.

The self-styled wise-guy...

2007-09-19T08:36:00.000-07:00

Anyone, with enough friends, will always have some "friends" among them. I'm pondering about that exact kind, that piss you off. They think you are their social punching bag or something, and are usually surrounded by moronic lackeys. They are, like the less imposing, but over-enthusiastic cronie, that acompanies the laid back, "rough & tough" one. They go
"Yo' momma..." on you, only to smooth it up with a "Just kidding...". They are self-crowned kings, in a realm, created by their, alas, not twisted imagination, but sheer stupidity. Such idiots, are usually under the false impression, that someone gives as much, as a damn about, if they are kidding or not. They haven't pinned me to the polemycal mat, with their sharp-like-a-cucumber comeback. They don't realise they are at my mercy (I can't say for sure about you, you could very well be one of the aformentioned sidekicks), and that I can go really hard on them, when it comes to rhetorical-fencing. Those stupids (that's the new fad, use adjectives instead of nouns) can't figure out, that I for one may find something likeable in them, to consider them, part of any of my circles. Just because I don't do something doesn't mean, I can't.
If you spotted any signs, that you may be such a thing, read the last sentence several times. Let it sink in. Bask in it's infinite wisdom. Vociferate.

School starts.

2007-09-15T07:45:00.000-07:00

For good, or worse, it's that time of the year again. You see great guys go and great guys come. Quite symbolic really. But I kinda got pissed at some unfortunate events (not counting the start of the school year) . Such as a couple of the aformentioned good guys leaving. But nevertheless, you can always find something to make the day brighter. Be it chocolate, or making your friend's day miserable, so compared to them it'll be all roses for you. Vociferate.

It's all about reaching your target audience...

2007-09-12T15:12:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was pondering, I came to the conclusion, that since I meant this to be read by nobody, and it is indeed read by him, that I've got my target audience right on!!! Vociferate your concerns.

"Satirists" and the like...

2007-09-11T01:46:00.000-07:00

As I was thinking, what to write, for my imaginary audiance to read, I came up with one of my pet irknessances. That is people who make stupid jokes, and when they see, that no one likes them, claim it is satire, as a last attempt to salvage some cool points with their buddies. Am I the only one? They try to make me look dumb, or in other words make me look like a person that would otherwise enjoy such a joke. Look around, you're bound to see some. They sometimes, but not always, lead the comfortable, safe and calm life of "tortured artists", or simply put they are emo. Why do they so desperately want to try to make life miserable for everyone else, I have no idea. I guess so, that all of their inane crap could make sense then. Come and vociferate your concers.

Oh, and by the way, this was "satire"! And so was the last sentence.

Auto-Deprecation.

2007-09-08T14:36:00.000-07:00

It's pretty late, and I have no idea, what I'm talking about. I just came up with the conclusion, that auto-deprecation is the perfect IQ test for a converstation partner. Think about it. You speak of ungodly huge flaws you have (be sure to talk about ones, that you obviously don't have), and people start believing you, you can be sure they are not the sharpest tools on the workbench. Whaddya think? Share your thoughts, vociferate your concerns!
I will elaborate on that, further most definately.

Heat-Fleeing Robot

2007-08-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

I was looking over at the mousebot, and came up with a design for a heat-fleeing robot. My idea is to use two LM35 sensors, each with a two stage amplifier (using an LM324 IC). The amplified signal from each one, will drive a separate motor, and will form a small machine, with differential steering. I will keep you posted, and I will post a schematic, once I get it working.

Intro.

2007-08-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

I will post, whatever comes to mind. Mostly tecnhincal/science stuff. Occasionally something sportive. We're cool, no?