Never Back Down. A truly independent review.

Now I haven't even seen this, and I can tell you it isn't worth it. It is that bad. It is the Karate Kid of MMA. Apart from the cliched themes of guts and determination, characteristic of any sports movie/martial arts movie, there's nothing wrong with it. Too bad that's all there is to it. Hopefully it's going to raise awareness to the sport alteast, so it might have some redeeming value. What I hate about combat sports films, is that they somehow, manage to take all the stupid from sports films (read: everything), and even though they are combat sports films, they don't get even a hint of awesome, from martial arts movies. I mean, seriously, if you want to see real drama, watch sports. If you have any shred of respect for the sport, you could never tolerate, the stupid disregard for real-life rules in those movies. They never bother, to even try, to introduce some plot device, to redeem the inanity of it all. It's not like, someone wouldn't notice a sasquatch playing basketball.
So before you come whining, that I haven't seen the movie, I have already told you. This is a truly independent and ubiased review of the film. Had I seen it, it would've clouded my judgement. So it got out of it pretty easy, huh?

Never Gonna Give You Up...

Seriously people, what's with this rickrolling stuff? I mean it's not like I'm not trying to find anything funny... Well it is, actually, as I believe funny things shouldn't be sought. I mean seriously, what is it with that song? I like it actually. Is it the mismatch between external appearance and voice? Is it the dance? I mean how is this dance any worse than any other? No, please, someone explain to me, how can you laugh at this?

Addendum

An addendum to my last update. A concerned, raging fan was nice to point out, that I forgot the lama, which deserves an honorary mention (the lama, that is, and the fan [sort of]).
So be it a popular logo, or a subject of a high-pitched nonsensical song, this weird, spitting life-form, is here to educate as much as entertain. Or wait, that would make it not here. (To explain to the plainer audience: It means, that since lamas don't go around educating people, they don't go around to entertain them either. Neat comparison, another funny thing.)

The most geeko-nerdifico-random-humorly-pop-culturized animals.

Well, anyone on the Intermesh probably has encountered the "phenomenon" of random "humor". Well random it is, alas, convoulted jibberish is not humor, and isn't really difficult to come up with, it's pure luck. Saying someone is a witty based on his random "humor", is like saying someons a genius mathematician, because he is good at cointoss. Often this thing, masquerading as humor, includes random references to animals. I shall now inform you, the savvy blog-browser, which animals are the unsung victims of this random humor thing.

Just entering the list is:

The goat. Refered to by everything from shocksites to skinny 12-18 year olds, as an ersatz for originality. Perhaps it's the beard that makes it hilarious? Perhaps it's the sound? Well, if you actually asked yourself this question, you are obviously in for a shock. Nothing makes it funny. Goats aren't funny, and 50000000 iterations wouldn't make them (50000000 is just a euphemism for "any"). The fact that someone tells you something is funny doesn't make it. If any of your friends refers to goats and you find that funny, go into an internet cafe, (finding "random" jokes funny, is a pretty good indicator of either a slow internet connection, general "slow", or lack of internet connection) and browse some geeky forums for an hour, in order to familiarize yourself with the resident orignally-random comedian in each one. Read ten minutes worth of jokes, and your goat-joke making friend, will miraculously stop being funny. Miracuosly is used in an ironic sense here- which means there is an obvious discrepancy between my assessment and reality, used to great comedic effect. This is irony. This is funny. This is heavy-hitting comedy. Not goats. Okay? On one side - Me and Irony, on the other - Your friend and goats. I think it's a no-brainer.

And one spot up on our list is (Haven't you already got it, that I don't plan my writing and do it on the go? I just come up with this as I go, I have roughly the same amount of idea as you, about how long this list will be.):

The manatee. Now this is an emerging trend. Used by proven greats (Tray Parker and Matt Stone) to fabulous comedic effect, but unfortunately, also skillessly employed by random-comedians. The goat is maybe one step above this one, but it's still on the same stupid ladder. The reason for that is, that a goat we percieve as an animal we see day to day, whereas manatees we had no idea what they were until we actually googled it after seeing that episode of South Park. It is big, bulky and has a blunt face which makes it a SMASH hit (read that pun several times and remember it, as it probably cost me any award I would have recieved for my literary prowess). I mean goats have a slight "How didn't I think of that first?"-value, while manatees are random humor at its worst. It's a random animal. Unless you use it as a minor-chuckle-generator, or it has a deeply satirical context, it requires less skill than the goat. See another funny thing - deeply satirical context. In other words something hidden and arcane to the random "humor" lover. I would really like to bet, that the role of this animal in random humor will be inherited by the aardvark. Or whatever you spell it. I mean just listen to it: "aardvark". The first time I heard it I thought it was a Linux app, or some obscure Windows process or DLL. The second time I thought it was some heraldic monster. The third time I looked up Wikipedia. Plus it looks kind of entertaining.

If we have X number of entries on our list, then here comes number "X-2":

The Cat. OK, assuming you are reading this around the time I have written it, and not years later in some huge collection of my early works, you just know what I am talking about. I mean you are on the Internet.

For X>3, X-3 on our list is (assuuming No. of entries is X-1):

The Cow. Moo. We get it, cows make a funny noise. And they are slow. There it is popular in video games, and slapstick alike. Cows obviously come in a male and female version. Obviously bulls are a different species. I mean seriously, bulls aren't funny, since they will probably impale you. How could the cow and the bull be actually a same species? Well, pretty easy. This is where sanity and sense, are both overwhelmed by randomness. Obviously someone hasn't been on a farm. Or ever opened an elementary school textbook. Or tries to be funny. (NOTE: In the beginning cows were actually funny. But they are scary. I mean half a metric tonne of bovine, running amok? Why is everyone finding them tamely funny, when they should be scared and worried, dammit?)

Well this is the last of it. Comments? No, thanks. Praise is welcome though.

A new segment.

So, here is another new tradition in my incredibly disjointed, and unsystematic system of updates, syndication and content deliverance (Laugh.). I will now begin to make comparisons, betweem two things that have nothing in common. Courtesy of my last biology teacher, who made us write a detailed comparison of catfish and primeapes.

So, ladies and gentlemen, behold the brand new, "The Imperceptible Connection" (Is imperceptible even a word? That was quie a chalant remark. [And is chalant a word?]).

On today's edition: The Pentium 3 is the T-72, provided we percieve Intel's Pentium series as the timeline of Soviet tanks. It used to be a cutting edge, comptetition frightening piece of technology, now going into a noble-ish obsolecense, still maintaining some dignity, making it a non-laughable alternative for something newer.

The Shining White Knight of Debate.

I love winning debates, primarily because I've unsuccesfully tried to lose them a couple of times. Losing a debate might be fun, so can any loser, please, share what is the feeling?

So as in everything, I love to make people defeat their own point. I will give a tip on that in this very lesson, so pay attention. But first let's begin with the most important lesson of all:

1. Pick your battles according to your skill. In other words small enough to win in a landslide, yet not so small, to be branded a nickname for someone, who compensates something's small size, by picking battles small enough to gloat over. Figure one out, you have many a nickname like that, to pick from.

Winning a debate, is in no means an indicator, if you are right or wrong. Which brings us to top number two:

2. Spin. As far as spin doctors go, I am probably The Powerhead S.D. (attending), maybe I have an Esq. too, as well as a Ph. D. The trick about spin, is to be prepared, and to think in advance. It helps to be optimistic, to make spin sincere, so you can find a positive side in everything.

And the last one for today, as promised:

3. How to make people charge into their own defeat. My favorite situation is a piece of common knowledge, frequently one which is scientifically unverifiable (i.e. XXXX are the dumbest people. The problem? Define dumb and give a way to measure it statistically.), and claim, "everyone knows that". These words are a smart man's golden ticket. You now have the opportunity to steer them into saying that even complete layman in that field can tell you that. So that's the moment to nail them. "So you are saying complete laymen lead man's progress in their respective fields of laymanity (I think, I just figured out the etimology of "lameness")?". This is usually the signal for victory, the proverbial rhetorical white flag. The reductio ad retardum, when you are called a retard, and "beyond help".

And that's it for today, from the Savant of Debate!

Back up or go home.

Beware peoples! I will now speak-singe chutzpah-filled meshugas. You know, they are usually, those who are pretty sharp tongued, and try to market themselves as witty. Now, they usually have had quite a shielded upbringing, and spent they're elementary school and kindergarden years, by pulling pigtails, picking on someone unabled to respond, pushing fat kids in the mud, and all the other moron activities.
Now, being quite shielded, they never actually had to stand behind what they say and/or suffer the consequences of doing/not doing it. They and their stupid entourages, usually miss the point even if it was a barn door, and they had a bazooka. And, me, being the quality rhetorical marksman I am, will pinpoint the point. And behold - being funny and obscene is not the hardest thing. Especially in a lanuage, where swearing has retained some shock-value. I, for example, deliver my humor of highest quality, with little to no explicit verbal expression. I, by far don't shy away from it, I am simply a head of power, and I damn well need a challenge.

Sing me praises!