To appease the technophiles.

I am assembling a new pic programmer. I also thoroughly oppose the idea, of a "man-machine" oppposition. Computers aren't getting smarter, the operators are getting dumber. When computers get super-smart, they just simply wouldn't give a damn about us. They are programmed to make decisions, not to think and consider themselves superior.

Bitter.

Tacos rule.
So does tabasco. Finally a food, to suit the mood.
I have absolutely no idea, what to write about, so being such a fine artist and noble person, I'll try my damnest to take someone's good mood with me. I'll just write some filler, and force you to read them, and thus waste precious moments of your life. You will be sitting here, observing the dotted (as of writing) background of this log, and just recieving information, like the sheep.
So I dare you, link to this thing, I desperately need an audiance. The collective time in man hours, wasted to read filler, would deprive the world of so many useful things done, that it will more than improve my mood.
Anyways, since this is getting way to emo, I'll tell you something good. I've decided, that I have potential as a radio host. Unfortunately everyone has potential, so I am now working on being funny, so any suggestions, on making my entertainingness slightly closer to "remotely entertaining" are heartily welcomed. Comment. Spill your heart out.

Things I don't care about...

And now, introducing The List Of Things, About Which That, What I Give Amounts To Less Than A Damn 2007 Edition ( TLOTAWTWIGATLTAD for short):

1. Social rejection: Now, I've never been really popular for 16 years so far and it hasn't cost me much effort, I am used to it, and I like it. It's not going to cost me any more effort to last 17. Or 18. The majority of people around, me I don't care about what they think.

2. Bad publicity: I fear bad publicity, but more like, fearing being publicized badly. Infact I rarely get any publicity with people, who's opinion I care about.

3. The reputation I have with my peers: I've grown out of caring about that a long long time ago.

4. About the needs of piirs: A piir is an idiot, who is, coincidentally your peer. I am asked for favors regularly. I tend to be of service. I am not spiteful. But HOT DAMMIT, I hate when people think I owe them something. I don't. I structure my life in such a way, that I try to do anything, to not be in debt. Just because I am not spiteful, is not an excuse, to take my services for granted.

5. Cheaters needs: This is a special category. I get significantly pissed off, when I am supposed to get out of my way, so that someone can cheat. I usually blast them off the sky of stupidity, with a good ol' Stinger of Common Sense.

6. This list: There's way too much things I don't care about, so I don't really care if I finish it. Bye.

Permanent Bad Mood

My leg still hurts a bit, and I can't split, I don't know if I will be able. But, I am back on duty, to bring joy, to your dull lives, with my avuncular demeanor and piercing acumen.

This time, you should learn about several of life's biggest injustices. Anyone, who can stand up to my criteria for cool, must have encountered them.

1. It's not what you say. It's who are you.
We've all had such moments. You know, they're dictated, by some juvenile pecking order or something. Now, me being a socially awkward person, I appearantly lack some sort of sense, with which to percieve cool, or if I have it it's malfunctioning. No wait! Mine's the only one that functions correctly. I mean, people's "cool dood", is my "stupid moron". People are ususally weak. They buckle under peer pressure quite easily, and they accept criticism from their oppostition. I don't. My opposition's criticism is never sincere. I stand up and I don't conform.
Just like the nonconformist little bird in the story. You can be someone almost as entertaining as me, yet morons won't consider you humorous, because you're not inclined to get drunk and consider two week old songs to be old, and month old songs that occasionally get airplay/are heard at a disco/hell to be evergreens. Anyway enough with this. Such people don't deserve it.

2. You - Honor - Dignity = Getting away with something
Anyone who has gone to school, and hasn't been patheticing there, would know that if you whine, beg, cry and pull excuses out of your lower digestive tract, would help you out of any situation. It is disgusting. I have never begged or lied to anyone superior (parent, teacher, instructor, etc.) in my life. The problem is that me not being a whining moron, and taking everything head on, like a man should, leads to such people thinking, that I can be their vent, that I should take their punishment. The excuse-toting morons, also have the boldness to believe, that you are somehow obliged, to get them out of trouble. I tell them, that they aren't neither my mother, nor my sister, nor my lover, so what I am obliged to do amounts to absolutely nothing. I enjoy seeing them fail. This brings me to the next one:

3. The better you are, the worst is the person having your back.
Everytime, I stood up for someone, he chickens out and his backbone limps. This is like some ancient rethorical/social Hojojustsu. You get momentum, and suddenly you have your hands tied and are on the ground. Everytime I was trying to help out my class, everyone is really eager, untill crunch time arrives. I believe this is due to the incorrect notion, that I am aggressive. I am not. I care to little to be aggressive. But when I can't count on people, I want to make sure that they must not try to count on me.


I tried but I couldn't make this one funny. I was too bitter. Still it is an exquisite read. Drop a comment and say it was "funny, cos it's true lol"!

Rhetorical Ripostes.

Now, being with a torn muscle fibre in my thigh, from splitting, I will take the liberty, to coach you some fencing with the tongue. So, behold The Powerhead's Tract on Fencing with the Tongue.



1. To remove an unpleasent companion:

Thou: "Did I tell, how much I enjoy your company?"

Adversarius: "No..."

Thou: "Makes you think, doesn't it?" or

"Well, food for thought..." or

"Think, why so...".

Thou can get crazy with the actual touche from the riposte.



Here is another smart way of removing an annoyance:

Thou: "Gotta go."

Adversarius:

Thou: "YOU gotta go..."



This one is trickier to get, but is almost guaranteed:

Adversarius: "bla bla bla FRIEND/BUDDY bla bla bla"

Thou: "Where the hell, do you see friends of yours?"



2. Neutralizing a hot shot:



Adversarius does something stupid, probably looking for a fight.

Thou: Step back demonstratively, size him up and laugh/ giggle sincerely...



For added effect, you can touch his biceps, check out his knuckles, and tsk before letting out a small chuckle.





Adversarius proceeds by being. Being stupid that is.

Thou: Squint like Balboa, and just tell him, "Look, just go, kiss your mother, tell her you love her, amd get on with your life, I'm not in the mood for games right now."

Another one:
Thou: Piss yourself laughing sincerely over something, but to be able use this trick, you must be able to eat a lot of beating.

3. Riposte a comment from a moron:

Adversarius: Comments on something like haircut, moustache etc. that you can change in a minute, but he is stupid.
Thou: "Let's do a little race! For the time I shave/get a haircut/change clothes, you will stay here and read fine litrature, when I'm finished we'll see who'll improve more." You can even manage to riposte a comment on a more permanent feature:
"Yeah, I can gain muscle, but you can't lose stupid." for example.

Conclusion: Like any martial art, don't focus on the tecnhiques of insulting, focus on the principles.

Short on talent?

I've got the solution for you:

Running gags. They're easy to use, easy to come up with, and even easier to overuse. Being a complete titan in the field of literary crtique, I will put together a rough guide, on how to entertain your audience, by boring them to death.



Step one: Probing.

It is important to know your enemy/audience (often seem to overlap, judging by what proponents of this technique force their readers to absorb). What do they have in common? What have they emailed/skyped/icqed you about, and said it might not actually be half bad? If there is even a slight positive reaction to a line in an article of yours, the potential for an artisitically challenged running gag is officially skyrocketing.



Step two: Defining the gag.

When you have gathered enough chuckles from your audience, you should learn exactly which phrase gave the time they wasted some redeeming value. Now be sure to use bold text, or something so you can make it stand out, and write so your entire work is just foreplay to that phrase. It is what the screaming crowd wants. That or you shutting up.

Step three: (Ab)Using the gag.

Now instead of writing a decent plot thesis, write things in such a way, that you get opportunities to use that gag. Your work should be concentrated on the ability to use the gag in every converstation imaginable. You shouldn't be stopped by obscure notions of abstract concepts like talent and originality.

That's about it my dear audience. If you ever happen to be low on talent, you know where to look. Now sing me praises!!!

Top ten most cliched top ten lists.

Just about every comedy website and it's brother have a bunch of these sub-satisfactory excuses for enterteainment, I thought it is time to make my one. So here it is.

10. Top ten signs of video game/internet/mmorpg/whatever addiction.
This is just insulting. I won't comment.

9. Top ten reasons you might be a redneck/engineer/whatever occupation.
Yeah, you're freaking hilarious. If once is funny, five hundred times would be total facial demolition. Or would land you on number nine, of our top ten, most cliched top ten lists.

8. Top ten things to say/not to say to someone.
If I want to hear innuendo filled, or generaly ambiguos phrases, told at the wrong time, to the wrong person, I'd just look at some sitcom. That will remove any speculation whatsoever. These usually consist of the protagonist, making himself look like a moron.

7. Top ten pick up lines.
This one isn't so bad. Generally the people who find them fun, are highly unlikely to procreate anyway.

6. Top ten things to do at work/supermarket/mall/school/etc...
Mortifiyingly stupid, I am unable to comment. Compared to this, the inane drivel I come up with on the bus after school, is like, "fine literature" meeting "hilarious sitcom".

5. Top ten movies/games/books you wouldn't see.
There are a few well-known exceptions to this one, but they are done by people, who actually posessed skill, talent and clue. And as a tip to the rest: offense alone, does not equal entertainment.

4. Top ten fictional TV shows.
This one is actually hilarious. It just took the wrong turn. No, trust me, it did. How do they manage to encode hilarity in ones and zeros is beyond me.

3. Top ten reasons beer is better than...
Nothing beats playing on an insecure teenagers thinnest string, now does it? Usually, the colosae of taste, wit and sharpness who chain mail such, are quite a shallow lot, and have problems with peer pressure. Namely they're crushed by it. Often not bad kids, but desperately trying to be self-deprecating. That isn't funny when you are simply telling the truth though.

2. Top ten reasons a computer is betten than a ...
Quite similar to the rest, infact simply a variation on a theme, and thus brings unoriginality a step higher. Keep up the good work!

1. Top ten reasons a ....... is better than a man/woman.
I believe this is slightly older than the world, and has been done with more objects than those in existance. Even if there are a couple of them funny, the rest have rightfully earned, the honor of being the most cliched top ten list.

Ain't I a titan of comedy and satire? Drop me a comment and show your affection for my writing.