Bitter.

Tacos rule.
So does tabasco. Finally a food, to suit the mood.
I have absolutely no idea, what to write about, so being such a fine artist and noble person, I'll try my damnest to take someone's good mood with me. I'll just write some filler, and force you to read them, and thus waste precious moments of your life. You will be sitting here, observing the dotted (as of writing) background of this log, and just recieving information, like the sheep.
So I dare you, link to this thing, I desperately need an audiance. The collective time in man hours, wasted to read filler, would deprive the world of so many useful things done, that it will more than improve my mood.
Anyways, since this is getting way to emo, I'll tell you something good. I've decided, that I have potential as a radio host. Unfortunately everyone has potential, so I am now working on being funny, so any suggestions, on making my entertainingness slightly closer to "remotely entertaining" are heartily welcomed. Comment. Spill your heart out.

Things I don't care about...

And now, introducing The List Of Things, About Which That, What I Give Amounts To Less Than A Damn 2007 Edition ( TLOTAWTWIGATLTAD for short):

1. Social rejection: Now, I've never been really popular for 16 years so far and it hasn't cost me much effort, I am used to it, and I like it. It's not going to cost me any more effort to last 17. Or 18. The majority of people around, me I don't care about what they think.

2. Bad publicity: I fear bad publicity, but more like, fearing being publicized badly. Infact I rarely get any publicity with people, who's opinion I care about.

3. The reputation I have with my peers: I've grown out of caring about that a long long time ago.

4. About the needs of piirs: A piir is an idiot, who is, coincidentally your peer. I am asked for favors regularly. I tend to be of service. I am not spiteful. But HOT DAMMIT, I hate when people think I owe them something. I don't. I structure my life in such a way, that I try to do anything, to not be in debt. Just because I am not spiteful, is not an excuse, to take my services for granted.

5. Cheaters needs: This is a special category. I get significantly pissed off, when I am supposed to get out of my way, so that someone can cheat. I usually blast them off the sky of stupidity, with a good ol' Stinger of Common Sense.

6. This list: There's way too much things I don't care about, so I don't really care if I finish it. Bye.

Permanent Bad Mood

My leg still hurts a bit, and I can't split, I don't know if I will be able. But, I am back on duty, to bring joy, to your dull lives, with my avuncular demeanor and piercing acumen.

This time, you should learn about several of life's biggest injustices. Anyone, who can stand up to my criteria for cool, must have encountered them.

1. It's not what you say. It's who are you.
We've all had such moments. You know, they're dictated, by some juvenile pecking order or something. Now, me being a socially awkward person, I appearantly lack some sort of sense, with which to percieve cool, or if I have it it's malfunctioning. No wait! Mine's the only one that functions correctly. I mean, people's "cool dood", is my "stupid moron". People are ususally weak. They buckle under peer pressure quite easily, and they accept criticism from their oppostition. I don't. My opposition's criticism is never sincere. I stand up and I don't conform.
Just like the nonconformist little bird in the story. You can be someone almost as entertaining as me, yet morons won't consider you humorous, because you're not inclined to get drunk and consider two week old songs to be old, and month old songs that occasionally get airplay/are heard at a disco/hell to be evergreens. Anyway enough with this. Such people don't deserve it.

2. You - Honor - Dignity = Getting away with something
Anyone who has gone to school, and hasn't been patheticing there, would know that if you whine, beg, cry and pull excuses out of your lower digestive tract, would help you out of any situation. It is disgusting. I have never begged or lied to anyone superior (parent, teacher, instructor, etc.) in my life. The problem is that me not being a whining moron, and taking everything head on, like a man should, leads to such people thinking, that I can be their vent, that I should take their punishment. The excuse-toting morons, also have the boldness to believe, that you are somehow obliged, to get them out of trouble. I tell them, that they aren't neither my mother, nor my sister, nor my lover, so what I am obliged to do amounts to absolutely nothing. I enjoy seeing them fail. This brings me to the next one:

3. The better you are, the worst is the person having your back.
Everytime, I stood up for someone, he chickens out and his backbone limps. This is like some ancient rethorical/social Hojojustsu. You get momentum, and suddenly you have your hands tied and are on the ground. Everytime I was trying to help out my class, everyone is really eager, untill crunch time arrives. I believe this is due to the incorrect notion, that I am aggressive. I am not. I care to little to be aggressive. But when I can't count on people, I want to make sure that they must not try to count on me.


I tried but I couldn't make this one funny. I was too bitter. Still it is an exquisite read. Drop a comment and say it was "funny, cos it's true lol"!

Rhetorical Ripostes.

Now, being with a torn muscle fibre in my thigh, from splitting, I will take the liberty, to coach you some fencing with the tongue. So, behold The Powerhead's Tract on Fencing with the Tongue.



1. To remove an unpleasent companion:

Thou: "Did I tell, how much I enjoy your company?"

Adversarius: "No..."

Thou: "Makes you think, doesn't it?" or

"Well, food for thought..." or

"Think, why so...".

Thou can get crazy with the actual touche from the riposte.



Here is another smart way of removing an annoyance:

Thou: "Gotta go."

Adversarius:

Thou: "YOU gotta go..."



This one is trickier to get, but is almost guaranteed:

Adversarius: "bla bla bla FRIEND/BUDDY bla bla bla"

Thou: "Where the hell, do you see friends of yours?"



2. Neutralizing a hot shot:



Adversarius does something stupid, probably looking for a fight.

Thou: Step back demonstratively, size him up and laugh/ giggle sincerely...



For added effect, you can touch his biceps, check out his knuckles, and tsk before letting out a small chuckle.





Adversarius proceeds by being. Being stupid that is.

Thou: Squint like Balboa, and just tell him, "Look, just go, kiss your mother, tell her you love her, amd get on with your life, I'm not in the mood for games right now."

Another one:
Thou: Piss yourself laughing sincerely over something, but to be able use this trick, you must be able to eat a lot of beating.

3. Riposte a comment from a moron:

Adversarius: Comments on something like haircut, moustache etc. that you can change in a minute, but he is stupid.
Thou: "Let's do a little race! For the time I shave/get a haircut/change clothes, you will stay here and read fine litrature, when I'm finished we'll see who'll improve more." You can even manage to riposte a comment on a more permanent feature:
"Yeah, I can gain muscle, but you can't lose stupid." for example.

Conclusion: Like any martial art, don't focus on the tecnhiques of insulting, focus on the principles.

Short on talent?

I've got the solution for you:

Running gags. They're easy to use, easy to come up with, and even easier to overuse. Being a complete titan in the field of literary crtique, I will put together a rough guide, on how to entertain your audience, by boring them to death.



Step one: Probing.

It is important to know your enemy/audience (often seem to overlap, judging by what proponents of this technique force their readers to absorb). What do they have in common? What have they emailed/skyped/icqed you about, and said it might not actually be half bad? If there is even a slight positive reaction to a line in an article of yours, the potential for an artisitically challenged running gag is officially skyrocketing.



Step two: Defining the gag.

When you have gathered enough chuckles from your audience, you should learn exactly which phrase gave the time they wasted some redeeming value. Now be sure to use bold text, or something so you can make it stand out, and write so your entire work is just foreplay to that phrase. It is what the screaming crowd wants. That or you shutting up.

Step three: (Ab)Using the gag.

Now instead of writing a decent plot thesis, write things in such a way, that you get opportunities to use that gag. Your work should be concentrated on the ability to use the gag in every converstation imaginable. You shouldn't be stopped by obscure notions of abstract concepts like talent and originality.

That's about it my dear audience. If you ever happen to be low on talent, you know where to look. Now sing me praises!!!

Top ten most cliched top ten lists.

Just about every comedy website and it's brother have a bunch of these sub-satisfactory excuses for enterteainment, I thought it is time to make my one. So here it is.

10. Top ten signs of video game/internet/mmorpg/whatever addiction.
This is just insulting. I won't comment.

9. Top ten reasons you might be a redneck/engineer/whatever occupation.
Yeah, you're freaking hilarious. If once is funny, five hundred times would be total facial demolition. Or would land you on number nine, of our top ten, most cliched top ten lists.

8. Top ten things to say/not to say to someone.
If I want to hear innuendo filled, or generaly ambiguos phrases, told at the wrong time, to the wrong person, I'd just look at some sitcom. That will remove any speculation whatsoever. These usually consist of the protagonist, making himself look like a moron.

7. Top ten pick up lines.
This one isn't so bad. Generally the people who find them fun, are highly unlikely to procreate anyway.

6. Top ten things to do at work/supermarket/mall/school/etc...
Mortifiyingly stupid, I am unable to comment. Compared to this, the inane drivel I come up with on the bus after school, is like, "fine literature" meeting "hilarious sitcom".

5. Top ten movies/games/books you wouldn't see.
There are a few well-known exceptions to this one, but they are done by people, who actually posessed skill, talent and clue. And as a tip to the rest: offense alone, does not equal entertainment.

4. Top ten fictional TV shows.
This one is actually hilarious. It just took the wrong turn. No, trust me, it did. How do they manage to encode hilarity in ones and zeros is beyond me.

3. Top ten reasons beer is better than...
Nothing beats playing on an insecure teenagers thinnest string, now does it? Usually, the colosae of taste, wit and sharpness who chain mail such, are quite a shallow lot, and have problems with peer pressure. Namely they're crushed by it. Often not bad kids, but desperately trying to be self-deprecating. That isn't funny when you are simply telling the truth though.

2. Top ten reasons a computer is betten than a ...
Quite similar to the rest, infact simply a variation on a theme, and thus brings unoriginality a step higher. Keep up the good work!

1. Top ten reasons a ....... is better than a man/woman.
I believe this is slightly older than the world, and has been done with more objects than those in existance. Even if there are a couple of them funny, the rest have rightfully earned, the honor of being the most cliched top ten list.

Ain't I a titan of comedy and satire? Drop me a comment and show your affection for my writing.

You don't need news...

...when you can nerd a straight A.

Now everyone, who has gone to school, has inevitably seen one of those kids. Before you assume, I will errupt in a torrent of slander against these people, I want you to know, that I don't dislike them. It's just that they piss me off.

A very good friend of mine, put it really clearly: in order to have a straight A in school, you don't have to be smart, you just have to pick up speed quickly, and not to get tired easily.

In other words such people are tools. Grinders to be more precise. Now, I don't have anything against grinders or anything, but think about it. They just study, eat, sleep, drink, do things which are fun according to what people say, and they secrete endorfins while doing that, because what they're doing is meant to be fun, and nerd their lessons (nerd can be a verb). They are most definately tools. No wait, they are bots.

People are wrongly calling them nerds. Nerds have skill, and hotdammit, those people lack it. They are complete simpletons. Whenever you know something they try to make it look bad.
Take what happened to me the other day for example:
/Geography class, teach is repeating the name of a city about 30 times, to no avail, because Ms. Clueless can't write it down/
Me: " Well, hotdammit, it's , it's in the news all day!"
Ms. Clueless: " Does it occur to you, that some people, might not watch news?"

Now I wouldn't have felt my heart beting in my ears, if me and Madmoiselle Clueless weren't the same age (sixteen).
I mean your turning eighteen in less than two years, and don't watch the news? Now if this was, some disco-visiting, dancing-with-an-open-half-empty-beer-bottle moron, I wouldn't be nowhere near this surprised.
But, just to show I am a great guy, I will give them the befit of doubt, and assume, that being proficient in memorizing high-school textbooks, containig 20 year old information, develops a clairvoyantesque ability, to predict noteworthy global events. I might try that out, and earn billions. Oh, wait... The odds don't seem to be in favor of that? But what does logic have on sheer capability of memorisation of facts? Nothing that's what!!!

HOT DAMN!

Right split down.

Well, since this blog is read by nobody, and nobody cares I got the right split down, I decided to post. So after just a couple of days of stretching and no progres BAM, I find myslef, like 10 inches lower, without expecting it. Granted, it did involve a lot of screaming and wailing, but I got that thing down finally. The only problem I seem to have is my left leg, since it is actually what prevents me from splitting. I own.

"Friends forever" clips are an insult to amateur cinematography worldwide.

Browsing trough some video-sharing website, I found it littered with such atrocities. Being quite a movie-lover, and genenral person of great taste, I once again take the liberty to be quality control, so you don't have to.
These aren't as much videos, as much as simple slideshows, with some faceless pop-disco-dance-remix-hit/chalga playing in the background. They even aren't as much slideshows, as they are self-styled parades of inanity, and lack of skill in terms of art.
To my horror, the people who post this stuff, rarely seem to satisfy themselves with one or two videos. They clog perfectly good websites, with their unknown mugs. NEWSFLASH! Being on a video doesn't mean you are famous. Not anymore. And also owning a camera, or having a friend (forever nonetheless) who has one, does not make you photogenic. No one knows anything about you, we don't want to see you on a video on the internet, along with your friends, posing the way you see in pop-folk and teen magazines. No one cares about it, other than you. Just post it as a private video, and spare the people's (my) eyes, bloodvessels and vocal cords.

Now after my little rant, generally about such videos, I will finally come to the point, and bash the artistic qualities (or lack thereof) meticulously , in a ridiculously-satirical manner.

The titans of literacy that comment your video (most of tham having witty online pseudonyms, which I can come up with, by writing "grrl", "girl", "rnb", "emo", "happy", "sad", etc. on scraps of paper, putting them in a hat, picking up several at random and adding a number at the end, as to separate me from the thousand others, possessing such a quick and sharp wit) might be fiercely raving your video ("we r teh sweetest. :P :P :P :P :D :D :D :* :* :* <3 <3 <3 kekeke", "i wubz u 4ever [insert name here] :) :) :) :) :) :D :D :D :D ;) <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!), and you, as decency requires express your gratitude for the positive feedback ("thx vm [insert witty handle here] i wub u 2 :* :* :* :* :* :*), but I beg to differ in my humble opinion. An my humble opinion is, that your video is infact worthless rubbish. I'm pretty confident my tortoises can make a better one. Miles better. Infact, I'll tell them to start immediately.

Let's assume I am watching the average "friends 4ever"/"4ever frs" video. Such a video starts off at a monochrome screen with white letters in a plain font , containig the names of those "starring". Is the plain sans serif/arial and single-colored background symbolic of your friendship's plainnes, simplicity and sincirity? Or is it a demostration of your lack of talent and video/image editing skills? And lack of taste? We will let this one pass by, the video might redeem itself later. What do we notice? You write NOT SOLELY IN CAPS, BECAUSE EVEN YOU ALREADY KNOW IT'S ANNOYING and not solely in small caps and no commas. BuT bY aLtErNaTiNg UpPeR aNd LoWeR CaSe, 4nD 0cC41sOn4Lly 50Me 1337. I am tempted to assume this is a symbol of the ups and downs in your relationship, and how you overcome them. I, however resist the temptation, and will prosaicly assume that it is another manifestation of the absence of your talent, and you are desperately searcing for a way to make your captions a little bit more eye-catching. We hear the latest dance/pop hit, you heard in the local ersatz-disco in the background. I don't think there is any symbolism involved here, it is just style, similarly how noir features dark, depressing tones, so does your shallow devoid of quality excuse of a video requires shallow, faceless music to fit. So far so good, BUT there is a little doubt lingering that you might actually have a shred of clue and talent. But it is not to be, with the swiftness of a wild steed galloping across the plane, you savagely crush any lingering doubt. How do you do that? Easy. Google random images, and add them in between your pictures. Usually it's something you found while looking for "frends" [sic], "luv", "fourevar"or "eternal", with no aesthetic idea behind it.

Face it. Not everyone is built to do a side split, not everyone has talent. We can't all be directors.
Well, we can, if we disregard, the whole requirement for a shred of talent and the entire concept of division of labor. But cheer up, you can help! By removing any such videos you made, and instead go and appreciate those who actually possess skill and talent.

Disagree? Drop me a comment!

Random unhumor...

I tend to be a person of astounding sense of humor. Infact so astounding, that I will take the liberty, from now on to define what is entertaining, and what is pretentious garbage. First on the list is "random" humor. It is becoming quite prevalent, due to some upsurge in talantless de-entertainers. The basic concept is as follows:

1. Take some menial, usually monotonous task, like peeling potatoes, or some trivial phenomenon.
2. Write a piece about it, in a scientific/highly formal tone. It is imperative, that you give elaborate explanations to it.
3. Add some stupid.
4. Leave to ferment/rot.
5. Carefully sift trough it, using your tastless adolescent friends (like me, excluding the tastless part, and if you are not a reader of my blog, as of writing this article, excluding the friend part). Remove anything remotely entertaining and original, because Heaven forbid, it might not be random.
6. Proceed to scrape the filtered inane mass of un-entertainment from the bottom, and serve.

Now the problem I have with this, is that there is no skill required in it. And that every talantless high-school kid, lives in some ilusory world, where he is a comedian.

Now, I don't bother to make a point here, because usually with this crowd, of exquisite humorists, making sense and point is irrelevant. So now I am forced to spoon-feed the conclusion to them, which they undoubtedly would try to spit out, as it's made of nothing but pure bitter truth. People (me), don't consider you remotely original. But then again why bother being original, than going with the certain value (namely #808080), and be considered amusing, by a sheepish crowd fearing social rejection/longing social admitance/buckling under peer pressure?

Annoying teenagers. Part one.

Puberty does a lot of things to people. Including making them paradoxes, just like me. Now, it's not that I'm a social person, but I am most definately an annoying one, I manage to pester lots of people, and thus I manage to get an idea, of the basic types of high-school/junior high-school kid. These are they're portraits, which are by the way hugely ugly:

The rural aristocrat: This is the kind that's probably an avatar of bigotry and arrogance. Believes getting drunk is some special skill. Often quite proud of having simple skills which everyone will aquire in due time. This is the type, that may not have anything to eat, but WILL have the luxurious cellphone with camera, to take pictures of their miserable situation, and the free hours, to spend talking to their smooth-brained companions.

The wild, free, untamed, unruly and natural type: This is personal favorite of mine. They're like some humanitarian organization giving food and medicine, only instead of food and medicine it's studpid and egocentrism, and instead of a humanitarian organisation, they are just morons. NEWSFLASH! You aren't different, just stupid and unoriginal. By trying to be different so hard, you end up looking all the same. Trying to look deep and different, and peculiar, WON'T make people (me), think better of you. One man's trash might be another's treasure, but your "unruly individo-centralism" is my "stupid".

The hip/fashiony dude/dude-chick/chick-dude: This one is pretty much an amalgamation of the previous two types. Usually goes to a pumping-irony a couple of times, a hairdo that looks roughly like being licked by a cow (but so that it'll all be pointy and prickly, not oily and greasy), and nothing under it. Because they are usually inherently lazy, they just put on a (pink) shirt one or two sizes too small, so they'll look big bulky and scary. Dislikes the rural aristocrat on the basis, of having rural features, disliked by the rural aristocrat for not "keeping it real", by getting drunk inches from death, dancing with an open beer bottle in hand, but not directly exhibiting and boasting lowbrow taste. Even though the hip/fashion dude/dude-chick/chick-dude does posses lowbrow taste, as well as general stupidity, it does not listen to chalga music, and feigns intelligence, thus his similarity with the unruly crowd.

* Due to the fact that some of them are quite androginous, because of the added make-up, I was forced to deeply contemplate their gender.

Strike-a-pose-headbanger: Now this one really gets me. Being a metal fan, it pisses me off quite good. These are quite often rural diplomats, or other idiots, that like the look of leather and steel. And because as we know, the way you dress determines, what kind of music society will allow you to listen, they need to get aquainted with (and taint) metal, so it will be socially acceptable for them to wear steel and leather. They go out, look for a T-shirt of some band, with a cool picture on it, buy it, learn a couple of things about the band, hell, some even go all the way to buy a couple of songs of iTunes. Because they usually don't like metal at all (or just listen to people grunting and screaming at microphones, thus giving metal a bad name), so in a pint time they usually quench their chalga-thirst. But that is unacceptable! Why not come up with a lame excuse, that chalga is only for partying, and you can only party with chalga, or that it is satirical?
The fact that they assume, everyone listening to metal, is infact a moron like them, doesn't really write better about them in my book.

There's just too many of them to list in one go. There will be further awesomness, in the form of a sequel. Be patient, my tiny audience.

Vox populi, vox dei...

Due to popular demand (well I have two regular readers, so I assume, that three people asking me to do so, is rather popular), I've decided, to post my articles in Bulgarian apart from English. I am starting to translate, my inane, quality-deprived verbal cesspool today. Look for the translations in the comments.
* * *
Заради обществен натиск (при двама редовни читатели, три предложения са си едно целокупно общество) реших да дабъл-поствам, на английски и български. От днес превеждам, малоумната си, лишена от качество, словесна помийна яма. Преводите търсете в коментарите.

The self-styled wise-guy...

Anyone, with enough friends, will always have some "friends" among them. I'm pondering about that exact kind, that piss you off. They think you are their social punching bag or something, and are usually surrounded by moronic lackeys. They are, like the less imposing, but over-enthusiastic cronie, that acompanies the laid back, "rough & tough" one. They go
"Yo' momma..." on you, only to smooth it up with a "Just kidding...". They are self-crowned kings, in a realm, created by their, alas, not twisted imagination, but sheer stupidity. Such idiots, are usually under the false impression, that someone gives as much, as a damn about, if they are kidding or not. They haven't pinned me to the polemycal mat, with their sharp-like-a-cucumber comeback. They don't realise they are at my mercy (I can't say for sure about you, you could very well be one of the aformentioned sidekicks), and that I can go really hard on them, when it comes to rhetorical-fencing. Those stupids (that's the new fad, use adjectives instead of nouns) can't figure out, that I for one may find something likeable in them, to consider them, part of any of my circles. Just because I don't do something doesn't mean, I can't.
If you spotted any signs, that you may be such a thing, read the last sentence several times. Let it sink in. Bask in it's infinite wisdom. Vociferate.

School starts.

For good, or worse, it's that time of the year again. You see great guys go and great guys come. Quite symbolic really. But I kinda got pissed at some unfortunate events (not counting the start of the school year) . Such as a couple of the aformentioned good guys leaving. But nevertheless, you can always find something to make the day brighter. Be it chocolate, or making your friend's day miserable, so compared to them it'll be all roses for you. Vociferate.

It's all about reaching your target audience...

Yesterday I was pondering, I came to the conclusion, that since I meant this to be read by nobody, and it is indeed read by him, that I've got my target audience right on!!! Vociferate your concerns.

"Satirists" and the like...

As I was thinking, what to write, for my imaginary audiance to read, I came up with one of my pet irknessances. That is people who make stupid jokes, and when they see, that no one likes them, claim it is satire, as a last attempt to salvage some cool points with their buddies. Am I the only one? They try to make me look dumb, or in other words make me look like a person that would otherwise enjoy such a joke. Look around, you're bound to see some. They sometimes, but not always, lead the comfortable, safe and calm life of "tortured artists", or simply put they are emo. Why do they so desperately want to try to make life miserable for everyone else, I have no idea. I guess so, that all of their inane crap could make sense then. Come and vociferate your concers.

Oh, and by the way, this was "satire"! And so was the last sentence.

Auto-Deprecation.

It's pretty late, and I have no idea, what I'm talking about. I just came up with the conclusion, that auto-deprecation is the perfect IQ test for a converstation partner. Think about it. You speak of ungodly huge flaws you have (be sure to talk about ones, that you obviously don't have), and people start believing you, you can be sure they are not the sharpest tools on the workbench. Whaddya think? Share your thoughts, vociferate your concerns!
I will elaborate on that, further most definately.

Heat-Fleeing Robot

I was looking over at the mousebot, and came up with a design for a heat-fleeing robot. My idea is to use two LM35 sensors, each with a two stage amplifier (using an LM324 IC). The amplified signal from each one, will drive a separate motor, and will form a small machine, with differential steering. I will keep you posted, and I will post a schematic, once I get it working.

Intro.

I will post, whatever comes to mind. Mostly tecnhincal/science stuff. Occasionally something sportive. We're cool, no?