I've got the solution for you:
Running gags. They're easy to use, easy to come up with, and even easier to overuse. Being a complete titan in the field of literary crtique, I will put together a rough guide, on how to entertain your audience, by boring them to death.
Step one: Probing.
It is important to know your enemy/audience (often seem to overlap, judging by what proponents of this technique force their readers to absorb). What do they have in common? What have they emailed/skyped/icqed you about, and said it might not actually be half bad? If there is even a slight positive reaction to a line in an article of yours, the potential for an artisitically challenged running gag is officially skyrocketing.
Step two: Defining the gag.
When you have gathered enough chuckles from your audience, you should learn exactly which phrase gave the time they wasted some redeeming value. Now be sure to use bold text, or something so you can make it stand out, and write so your entire work is just foreplay to that phrase. It is what the screaming crowd wants. That or you shutting up.
Step three: (Ab)Using the gag.
Now instead of writing a decent plot thesis, write things in such a way, that you get opportunities to use that gag. Your work should be concentrated on the ability to use the gag in every converstation imaginable. You shouldn't be stopped by obscure notions of abstract concepts like talent and originality.
That's about it my dear audience. If you ever happen to be low on talent, you know where to look. Now sing me praises!!!
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Top ten most cliched top ten lists.
Just about every comedy website and it's brother have a bunch of these sub-satisfactory excuses for enterteainment, I thought it is time to make my one. So here it is.
10. Top ten signs of video game/internet/mmorpg/whatever addiction.
This is just insulting. I won't comment.
9. Top ten reasons you might be a redneck/engineer/whatever occupation.
Yeah, you're freaking hilarious. If once is funny, five hundred times would be total facial demolition. Or would land you on number nine, of our top ten, most cliched top ten lists.
8. Top ten things to say/not to say to someone.
If I want to hear innuendo filled, or generaly ambiguos phrases, told at the wrong time, to the wrong person, I'd just look at some sitcom. That will remove any speculation whatsoever. These usually consist of the protagonist, making himself look like a moron.
7. Top ten pick up lines.
This one isn't so bad. Generally the people who find them fun, are highly unlikely to procreate anyway.
6. Top ten things to do at work/supermarket/mall/school/etc...
Mortifiyingly stupid, I am unable to comment. Compared to this, the inane drivel I come up with on the bus after school, is like, "fine literature" meeting "hilarious sitcom".
5. Top ten movies/games/books you wouldn't see.
There are a few well-known exceptions to this one, but they are done by people, who actually posessed skill, talent and clue. And as a tip to the rest: offense alone, does not equal entertainment.
4. Top ten fictional TV shows.
This one is actually hilarious. It just took the wrong turn. No, trust me, it did. How do they manage to encode hilarity in ones and zeros is beyond me.
3. Top ten reasons beer is better than...
Nothing beats playing on an insecure teenagers thinnest string, now does it? Usually, the colosae of taste, wit and sharpness who chain mail such, are quite a shallow lot, and have problems with peer pressure. Namely they're crushed by it. Often not bad kids, but desperately trying to be self-deprecating. That isn't funny when you are simply telling the truth though.
2. Top ten reasons a computer is betten than a ...
Quite similar to the rest, infact simply a variation on a theme, and thus brings unoriginality a step higher. Keep up the good work!
1. Top ten reasons a ....... is better than a man/woman.
I believe this is slightly older than the world, and has been done with more objects than those in existance. Even if there are a couple of them funny, the rest have rightfully earned, the honor of being the most cliched top ten list.
Ain't I a titan of comedy and satire? Drop me a comment and show your affection for my writing.
10. Top ten signs of video game/internet/mmorpg/whatever addiction.
This is just insulting. I won't comment.
9. Top ten reasons you might be a redneck/engineer/whatever occupation.
Yeah, you're freaking hilarious. If once is funny, five hundred times would be total facial demolition. Or would land you on number nine, of our top ten, most cliched top ten lists.
8. Top ten things to say/not to say to someone.
If I want to hear innuendo filled, or generaly ambiguos phrases, told at the wrong time, to the wrong person, I'd just look at some sitcom. That will remove any speculation whatsoever. These usually consist of the protagonist, making himself look like a moron.
7. Top ten pick up lines.
This one isn't so bad. Generally the people who find them fun, are highly unlikely to procreate anyway.
6. Top ten things to do at work/supermarket/mall/school/etc...
Mortifiyingly stupid, I am unable to comment. Compared to this, the inane drivel I come up with on the bus after school, is like, "fine literature" meeting "hilarious sitcom".
5. Top ten movies/games/books you wouldn't see.
There are a few well-known exceptions to this one, but they are done by people, who actually posessed skill, talent and clue. And as a tip to the rest: offense alone, does not equal entertainment.
4. Top ten fictional TV shows.
This one is actually hilarious. It just took the wrong turn. No, trust me, it did. How do they manage to encode hilarity in ones and zeros is beyond me.
3. Top ten reasons beer is better than...
Nothing beats playing on an insecure teenagers thinnest string, now does it? Usually, the colosae of taste, wit and sharpness who chain mail such, are quite a shallow lot, and have problems with peer pressure. Namely they're crushed by it. Often not bad kids, but desperately trying to be self-deprecating. That isn't funny when you are simply telling the truth though.
2. Top ten reasons a computer is betten than a ...
Quite similar to the rest, infact simply a variation on a theme, and thus brings unoriginality a step higher. Keep up the good work!
1. Top ten reasons a ....... is better than a man/woman.
I believe this is slightly older than the world, and has been done with more objects than those in existance. Even if there are a couple of them funny, the rest have rightfully earned, the honor of being the most cliched top ten list.
Ain't I a titan of comedy and satire? Drop me a comment and show your affection for my writing.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
You don't need news...
...when you can nerd a straight A.
Now everyone, who has gone to school, has inevitably seen one of those kids. Before you assume, I will errupt in a torrent of slander against these people, I want you to know, that I don't dislike them. It's just that they piss me off.
A very good friend of mine, put it really clearly: in order to have a straight A in school, you don't have to be smart, you just have to pick up speed quickly, and not to get tired easily.
In other words such people are tools. Grinders to be more precise. Now, I don't have anything against grinders or anything, but think about it. They just study, eat, sleep, drink, do things which are fun according to what people say, and they secrete endorfins while doing that, because what they're doing is meant to be fun, and nerd their lessons (nerd can be a verb). They are most definately tools. No wait, they are bots.
People are wrongly calling them nerds. Nerds have skill, and hotdammit, those people lack it. They are complete simpletons. Whenever you know something they try to make it look bad.
Take what happened to me the other day for example:
/Geography class, teach is repeating the name of a city about 30 times, to no avail, because Ms. Clueless can't write it down/
Me: " Well, hotdammit, it's, it's in the news all day!"
Ms. Clueless: " Does it occur to you, that some people, might not watch news?"
Now I wouldn't have felt my heart beting in my ears, if me and Madmoiselle Clueless weren't the same age (sixteen).
I mean your turning eighteen in less than two years, and don't watch the news? Now if this was, some disco-visiting, dancing-with-an-open-half-empty-beer-bottle moron, I wouldn't be nowhere near this surprised.
But, just to show I am a great guy, I will give them the befit of doubt, and assume, that being proficient in memorizing high-school textbooks, containig 20 year old information, develops a clairvoyantesque ability, to predict noteworthy global events. I might try that out, and earn billions. Oh, wait... The odds don't seem to be in favor of that? But what does logic have on sheer capability of memorisation of facts? Nothing that's what!!!
HOT DAMN!
Now everyone, who has gone to school, has inevitably seen one of those kids. Before you assume, I will errupt in a torrent of slander against these people, I want you to know, that I don't dislike them. It's just that they piss me off.
A very good friend of mine, put it really clearly: in order to have a straight A in school, you don't have to be smart, you just have to pick up speed quickly, and not to get tired easily.
In other words such people are tools. Grinders to be more precise. Now, I don't have anything against grinders or anything, but think about it. They just study, eat, sleep, drink, do things which are fun according to what people say, and they secrete endorfins while doing that, because what they're doing is meant to be fun, and nerd their lessons (nerd can be a verb). They are most definately tools. No wait, they are bots.
People are wrongly calling them nerds. Nerds have skill, and hotdammit, those people lack it. They are complete simpletons. Whenever you know something they try to make it look bad.
Take what happened to me the other day for example:
/Geography class, teach is repeating the name of a city about 30 times, to no avail, because Ms. Clueless can't write it down/
Me: " Well, hotdammit, it's
Ms. Clueless: " Does it occur to you, that some people, might not watch news?"
Now I wouldn't have felt my heart beting in my ears, if me and Madmoiselle Clueless weren't the same age (sixteen).
I mean your turning eighteen in less than two years, and don't watch the news? Now if this was, some disco-visiting, dancing-with-an-open-half-empty-beer-bottle moron, I wouldn't be nowhere near this surprised.
But, just to show I am a great guy, I will give them the befit of doubt, and assume, that being proficient in memorizing high-school textbooks, containig 20 year old information, develops a clairvoyantesque ability, to predict noteworthy global events. I might try that out, and earn billions. Oh, wait... The odds don't seem to be in favor of that? But what does logic have on sheer capability of memorisation of facts? Nothing that's what!!!
HOT DAMN!
Monday, October 8, 2007
Right split down.
Well, since this blog is read by nobody, and nobody cares I got the right split down, I decided to post. So after just a couple of days of stretching and no progres BAM, I find myslef, like 10 inches lower, without expecting it. Granted, it did involve a lot of screaming and wailing, but I got that thing down finally. The only problem I seem to have is my left leg, since it is actually what prevents me from splitting. I own.
Thursday, October 4, 2007
"Friends forever" clips are an insult to amateur cinematography worldwide.
Browsing trough some video-sharing website, I found it littered with such atrocities. Being quite a movie-lover, and genenral person of great taste, I once again take the liberty to be quality control, so you don't have to.
These aren't as much videos, as much as simple slideshows, with some faceless pop-disco-dance-remix-hit/chalga playing in the background. They even aren't as much slideshows, as they are self-styled parades of inanity, and lack of skill in terms of art.
To my horror, the people who post this stuff, rarely seem to satisfy themselves with one or two videos. They clog perfectly good websites, with their unknown mugs. NEWSFLASH! Being on a video doesn't mean you are famous. Not anymore. And also owning a camera, or having a friend (forever nonetheless) who has one, does not make you photogenic. No one knows anything about you, we don't want to see you on a video on the internet, along with your friends, posing the way you see in pop-folk and teen magazines. No one cares about it, other than you. Just post it as a private video, and spare the people's (my) eyes, bloodvessels and vocal cords.
Now after my little rant, generally about such videos, I will finally come to the point, and bash the artistic qualities (or lack thereof) meticulously , in a ridiculously-satirical manner.
The titans of literacy that comment your video (most of tham having witty online pseudonyms, which I can come up with, by writing "grrl", "girl", "rnb", "emo", "happy", "sad", etc. on scraps of paper, putting them in a hat, picking up several at random and adding a number at the end, as to separate me from the thousand others, possessing such a quick and sharp wit) might be fiercely raving your video ("we r teh sweetest. :P :P :P :P :D :D :D :* :* :* <3 <3 <3 kekeke", "i wubz u 4ever [insert name here] :) :) :) :) :) :D :D :D :D ;) <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!), and you, as decency requires express your gratitude for the positive feedback ("thx vm [insert witty handle here] i wub u 2 :* :* :* :* :* :*), but I beg to differ in my humble opinion. An my humble opinion is, that your video is infact worthless rubbish. I'm pretty confident my tortoises can make a better one. Miles better. Infact, I'll tell them to start immediately.
Let's assume I am watching the average "friends 4ever"/"4ever frs" video. Such a video starts off at a monochrome screen with white letters in a plain font , containig the names of those "starring". Is the plain sans serif/arial and single-colored background symbolic of your friendship's plainnes, simplicity and sincirity? Or is it a demostration of your lack of talent and video/image editing skills? And lack of taste? We will let this one pass by, the video might redeem itself later. What do we notice? You write NOT SOLELY IN CAPS, BECAUSE EVEN YOU ALREADY KNOW IT'S ANNOYING and not solely in small caps and no commas. BuT bY aLtErNaTiNg UpPeR aNd LoWeR CaSe, 4nD 0cC41sOn4Lly 50Me 1337. I am tempted to assume this is a symbol of the ups and downs in your relationship, and how you overcome them. I, however resist the temptation, and will prosaicly assume that it is another manifestation of the absence of your talent, and you are desperately searcing for a way to make your captions a little bit more eye-catching. We hear the latest dance/pop hit, you heard in the local ersatz-disco in the background. I don't think there is any symbolism involved here, it is just style, similarly how noir features dark, depressing tones, so does your shallow devoid of quality excuse of a video requires shallow, faceless music to fit. So far so good, BUT there is a little doubt lingering that you might actually have a shred of clue and talent. But it is not to be, with the swiftness of a wild steed galloping across the plane, you savagely crush any lingering doubt. How do you do that? Easy. Google random images, and add them in between your pictures. Usually it's something you found while looking for "frends" [sic], "luv", "fourevar"or "eternal", with no aesthetic idea behind it.
Face it. Not everyone is built to do a side split, not everyone has talent. We can't all be directors.
Well, we can, if we disregard, the whole requirement for a shred of talent and the entire concept of division of labor. But cheer up, you can help! By removing any such videos you made, and instead go and appreciate those who actually possess skill and talent.
Disagree? Drop me a comment!
These aren't as much videos, as much as simple slideshows, with some faceless pop-disco-dance-remix-hit/chalga playing in the background. They even aren't as much slideshows, as they are self-styled parades of inanity, and lack of skill in terms of art.
To my horror, the people who post this stuff, rarely seem to satisfy themselves with one or two videos. They clog perfectly good websites, with their unknown mugs. NEWSFLASH! Being on a video doesn't mean you are famous. Not anymore. And also owning a camera, or having a friend (forever nonetheless) who has one, does not make you photogenic. No one knows anything about you, we don't want to see you on a video on the internet, along with your friends, posing the way you see in pop-folk and teen magazines. No one cares about it, other than you. Just post it as a private video, and spare the people's (my) eyes, bloodvessels and vocal cords.
Now after my little rant, generally about such videos, I will finally come to the point, and bash the artistic qualities (or lack thereof) meticulously , in a ridiculously-satirical manner.
The titans of literacy that comment your video (most of tham having witty online pseudonyms, which I can come up with, by writing "grrl", "girl", "rnb", "emo", "happy", "sad", etc. on scraps of paper, putting them in a hat, picking up several at random and adding a number at the end, as to separate me from the thousand others, possessing such a quick and sharp wit) might be fiercely raving your video ("we r teh sweetest. :P :P :P :P :D :D :D :* :* :* <3 <3 <3 kekeke", "i wubz u 4ever [insert name here] :) :) :) :) :) :D :D :D :D ;) <3 <3 <3 <3 !!!), and you, as decency requires express your gratitude for the positive feedback ("thx vm [insert witty handle here] i wub u 2 :* :* :* :* :* :*), but I beg to differ in my humble opinion. An my humble opinion is, that your video is infact worthless rubbish. I'm pretty confident my tortoises can make a better one. Miles better. Infact, I'll tell them to start immediately.
Let's assume I am watching the average "friends 4ever"/"4ever frs" video. Such a video starts off at a monochrome screen with white letters in a plain font , containig the names of those "starring". Is the plain sans serif/arial and single-colored background symbolic of your friendship's plainnes, simplicity and sincirity? Or is it a demostration of your lack of talent and video/image editing skills? And lack of taste? We will let this one pass by, the video might redeem itself later. What do we notice? You write NOT SOLELY IN CAPS, BECAUSE EVEN YOU ALREADY KNOW IT'S ANNOYING and not solely in small caps and no commas. BuT bY aLtErNaTiNg UpPeR aNd LoWeR CaSe, 4nD 0cC41sOn4Lly 50Me 1337. I am tempted to assume this is a symbol of the ups and downs in your relationship, and how you overcome them. I, however resist the temptation, and will prosaicly assume that it is another manifestation of the absence of your talent, and you are desperately searcing for a way to make your captions a little bit more eye-catching. We hear the latest dance/pop hit, you heard in the local ersatz-disco in the background. I don't think there is any symbolism involved here, it is just style, similarly how noir features dark, depressing tones, so does your shallow devoid of quality excuse of a video requires shallow, faceless music to fit. So far so good, BUT there is a little doubt lingering that you might actually have a shred of clue and talent. But it is not to be, with the swiftness of a wild steed galloping across the plane, you savagely crush any lingering doubt. How do you do that? Easy. Google random images, and add them in between your pictures. Usually it's something you found while looking for "frends" [sic], "luv", "fourevar"or "eternal", with no aesthetic idea behind it.
Face it. Not everyone is built to do a side split, not everyone has talent. We can't all be directors.
Well, we can, if we disregard, the whole requirement for a shred of talent and the entire concept of division of labor. But cheer up, you can help! By removing any such videos you made, and instead go and appreciate those who actually possess skill and talent.
Disagree? Drop me a comment!
Monday, October 1, 2007
Random unhumor...
I tend to be a person of astounding sense of humor. Infact so astounding, that I will take the liberty, from now on to define what is entertaining, and what is pretentious garbage. First on the list is "random" humor. It is becoming quite prevalent, due to some upsurge in talantless de-entertainers. The basic concept is as follows:
1. Take some menial, usually monotonous task, like peeling potatoes, or some trivial phenomenon.
2. Write a piece about it, in a scientific/highly formal tone. It is imperative, that you give elaborate explanations to it.
3. Add some stupid.
4. Leave to ferment/rot.
5. Carefully sift trough it, using your tastless adolescent friends (like me, excluding the tastless part, and if you are not a reader of my blog, as of writing this article, excluding the friend part). Remove anything remotely entertaining and original, because Heaven forbid, it might not be random.
6. Proceed to scrape the filtered inane mass of un-entertainment from the bottom, and serve.
Now the problem I have with this, is that there is no skill required in it. And that every talantless high-school kid, lives in some ilusory world, where he is a comedian.
Now, I don't bother to make a point here, because usually with this crowd, of exquisite humorists, making sense and point is irrelevant. So now I am forced to spoon-feed the conclusion to them, which they undoubtedly would try to spit out, as it's made of nothing but pure bitter truth. People (me), don't consider you remotely original. But then again why bother being original, than going with the certain value (namely #808080), and be considered amusing, by a sheepish crowd fearing social rejection/longing social admitance/buckling under peer pressure?
1. Take some menial, usually monotonous task, like peeling potatoes, or some trivial phenomenon.
2. Write a piece about it, in a scientific/highly formal tone. It is imperative, that you give elaborate explanations to it.
3. Add some stupid.
4. Leave to ferment/rot.
5. Carefully sift trough it, using your tastless adolescent friends (like me, excluding the tastless part, and if you are not a reader of my blog, as of writing this article, excluding the friend part). Remove anything remotely entertaining and original, because Heaven forbid, it might not be random.
6. Proceed to scrape the filtered inane mass of un-entertainment from the bottom, and serve.
Now the problem I have with this, is that there is no skill required in it. And that every talantless high-school kid, lives in some ilusory world, where he is a comedian.
Now, I don't bother to make a point here, because usually with this crowd, of exquisite humorists, making sense and point is irrelevant. So now I am forced to spoon-feed the conclusion to them, which they undoubtedly would try to spit out, as it's made of nothing but pure bitter truth. People (me), don't consider you remotely original. But then again why bother being original, than going with the certain value (namely #808080), and be considered amusing, by a sheepish crowd fearing social rejection/longing social admitance/buckling under peer pressure?
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